Coping With Emotional Distress Using Meditation

I'm Angry All the Time

2011-12-30T15:44:00.000-08:00

Hello, I am a PhD. and pastoral counselor. This article contains important concepts. Here is a summary.

Many people are out of control emotionally. This loss of self sovereignty results in anger and a sense of loss of dignity. Usually their life is also out of control, which then is made worse when a host of outside forces and events begin to be dominate them, increasing the sense of being controlled or out of control.

I do not buy into the chemical imbalance in the brain theory. As a pastor, I see that there is a spiritual component as well as a relational one to our life issues--often beginning with childhood traumas; poor communication with a father; then school, peer and other pressures, exacerbated by a variety of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and even misdiagnoses.

Then to make matters worse, most people become resentful toward others who caused their issues or failed to help them, and this resentment destabilizes them and renders them exquisitely sensitive to those very pressures.

Resentment and the traumas to which we have over-reacted cause us to lose the center--lose touch with our center of dignity and innocence, and fall away from our Creator (to Whom we were once close when very little children). Thus I see that learning to let go of resentment is an important component in repairing one's life and restoring emotional balance and control.

A complementary mindfulness meditation has been found by some people to be helpful in facilitating the restoration of balance, control and a sense of dignity. It helps them calm down without feeling numbed, disconnected or dazed. Some also say that it seems to assist in them in re-finding their spiritual roots, and once a connection is re-established, there appears to be a power that comes into play that assists in holding back the pressures from overwhelming them.

Reason returns, calmness enters, and now reality becomes a friend. Real positive options can be explored, and now the door opens to a chain of good things happening, and the door closes to the negative thoughts, emotions and the negative behaviors they were once compelled to exhibit. Click here to read more about meditation.

2012 Update from Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD.

Anger and low grade or suppressed anger (such as irritation) are very destructive, and can ruin everything: your marriage, your life, and your health. When we express anger, we say or do the wrong thing. When we repress it, it causes harm on the inside. An angry repressed person can also become a doormat, afraid to say anything because of the suppressed anger that comes out. Repressed anger may also be a contributor to stuttering and other physical symptoms.

I know what you want. You want emotional self control without repression. You want a return to spontaneity and a care free spirit. You want restored good relations with your partner, kids and others. You want stop doing foolish things or self medicating with drugs, marijuana or alcohol. You want help. You want positive solutions.

The solution to your issues lies in proper application of the meditation exercise along with realization of a few insights. You must, for example, see the role of resentment in your anger issues, and the meditation will help you see how to give it up.

If you are really serious about letting go of anger, then I recommend you explore the various resources we have available. Go to our help center and you will find the meditation, my new meditation for PTSD, relationship resources, and much more. Listen to my radio program there. Get started today, leave behind the baggage of the past, and go forward to joy and success. Make 2012 your best year ever.
Read the whole article below

Let's face it: 99.9% of us get angry too easily. We mask our anger with a smile, or perhaps we repress it and walk away. But we are angry. In fact, suppressed rage is one of the biggest emotional factors contributing to health issues. In fact, when we are irritable, we are experienced low grade anger.

Scroll down to read Dr. Trujillo's 2012 update and invitation to move forward to success coping and regaining emotional control.

Another thing we do is find a euphemism to describe our anger: we say we are "upset, nervous, tired, or disappointed." In marriage, years of suppressed anger can result in someone "suddenly" saying: "I need to find myself or I've changed. " What they really mean is I'm resentful. In other words, sadly, "I'm harboring secret hatred and judgment toward you." Read about stress in marriage

Now let's get to the bottom line: if you have a problem with alcohol, drugs, food, or any other addiction, most likely it is a direct result of anger. How so?

When we are angry, we need something to distract us from the guilt and soothe our hurting and frustrated ego. We need something to take away the pent up hostility and drain us of tension.
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Some people work off their hostility (which has its own problems). Many turn to booze, drugs, marijuana, or food. You see, when we become angry and full of rage, we become an animal. The beautiful human qualities of graciousness, kindness, reasonableness, and magnanimity go out the window.

Some of us are even more sneaky about our anger. We are secretly judgmental and resentful at others (especially our husband or wife). Sometimes we are even clever at making the other wrong and then hating the other with a superior hate. It's easy to upset your husband with little teases, nagging, insinuation, or confusion. He eventually becomes angry and then you can secretly hate him, judging his anger and failing.

It's easy to be cruel to our children, blaming and dumping on them until they become angry and express their anger. Being without the advanced manipulative skill that the adult has, the child is foolish and clumsy in expressing his anger. This permits the parent to up the ante and punish the child.
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But anger, impatience, secret hostility and judgment bring condemnation from conscience. And conflict with conscience brings pain and a need for comfort. Again, the person turns for comfort to food , drugs, alcohol or anything else that will "save" them from conscience.
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I am trying to make you aware that anger is the result of resentment and judgment. While it is true that your spouse or coworkers may be imperfect, even irritating, if you really had love, you would not resent them. The truly human person has patience. This patience comes from not having judged in the first place.

Someone once said that when we are wronged we cry out for judgment. But when we wrong another, we cry out for mercy. As long as you are angry or resentful, you won't even see your own rudeness and inconsideration toward others. You are too busy judging others to see your own fault.

Recovery from food, drug, or other addictions means seeing, really seeing why you needed the false comfort of drugs or the misuse of food in the first place. If you were not angry and upset in the first place, you would not need comfort and tension relief in the second place.
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And if you did not form secret judgments in the first place, you would not become angry in the second place. If you were not playing God, and easily frustrated and angered when your will is not done, you would not become tense and needy of lowly comforts.

The problem now is undoubtedly that your wrong self craves and cries out for the false comfort and false deliverance of lowly things we have mentioned. You have fallen to become a creature that now craves the drugs and false comforts.

Change begins not with struggling with your lower nature and its lowly needs, but being able to stand back so that you can be objective to the lower self. By now you know that struggling with your own lower self, using anger, is just more of the wrong way of dealing with things that got you in trouble in the first place.

But I'm not telling you anything that you didn't already know.

You know that anger and secret hostility, even suppressed rage, are the cause of your needing alcohol, drugs or some other comfort. But then your comfort becomes a problem!

The question is what to do about your anger. That's where I can help. I know that behind the anger is resentment. And also just being too upset.

Resentment is the number one cause of anger. And once you become resentful over something, then negative emotions follow. Soon, through conditioning, you become upset and easily upset all the time. Ulcer or headache anyone?

Like I said--usually there is a good reason to become resentful in the first place, and angry. It is injustice. Beginning when you are a little kids, there are people pressuring you, nagging you, teasing you, and doing bad things to upset you.

But here is the secret. You must learn how to observe wrong and error without becoming resentful over what you see. You do not have to like the injustice. You don't even have to like another person. Just don't resent them.

Does this mean just clamming up and letting injustice prevail? No, of course not. The secret is to see the injustice, not become upset or resentful, and then, if appropriate, speak up about it.

What makes most of us into wimps is our resentment, for which we feel angry, and our upset. We feel guilty and we fear another round of upset, so we say nothing.

Learn the secret of not becoming resentful in the first place.

I can help. I've written 10 books on the topic of conquering stress and overcoming negative emotions. Start by checking out my meditation, which is designed to help you calm down.
Listen to some of my radio programs, free, where I talk about anger management all the time.

_____________________________________________

Advanced concepts

Hello, I am a pastoral counselor and spiritual care giver. This is a lengthy article. So here is a summary. To find what you want, just scroll down.

Many people are out of control emotionally. This loss of self sovereignty results in anger and a sense of loss of dignity. Usually their life is also out of control, which then is made worse when a host of outside forces and events begin to be dominate them, increasing the sense of being controlled or out of control.

I do not buy into the chemical imbalance in the brain theory. As a pastor, I see that there is a spiritual component as well as a relational one to our life issues--often beginning with childhood traumas; poor communication with a father; then school, peer and other pressures, exacerbated by a variety of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and even misdiagnoses.

Then to make matters worse, most people become resentful toward others who caused their issues or failed to help them, and this resentment destabilizes them and renders them exquisitely sensitive to those very pressures.

Resentment and the traumas to which we have over-reacted cause us to lose the center--lose touch with our center of dignity and innocence, and fall away from our Creator (to Whom we were once close when very little children). Thus I see that learning to let go of resentment is an important component in repairing one's life and restoring emotional balance and control.

A complementary mindfulness meditation has been found by some people to be helpful in facilitating the restoration of balance, control and a sense of dignity. It helps them calm down without feeling numbed, disconnected or dazed. Some also say that it seems to assist in them in re-finding their spiritual roots, and once a connection is re-established, there appears to be a power that comes into play that assists in holding back the pressures from overwhelming them.

For example, many were Christians, but just not quite Christian enough. Somehow this meditation permits them to become unblocked and to get in touch with their Christian roots in a wholesome way, so that now they can better appreciate what their good pastor or the Bible is saying.

Reason returns, calmness enters, and now reality becomes a friend. Real positive options can be explored, and now the door opens to a chain of good things happening, and the door closes to the negative thoughts, emotions and the negative behaviors they were once compelled to exhibit. Click here to read more about meditation.

If you are ready to see the role of resentment and secret hostility toward others (especially parents and partner), the meditation will very likely work for you. You will be given the power to stand back and observe what is wrong with you without being involved in it. The power of observation is sufficient to begin a change for the better.

You will discover that you have the power to observe the wrong without becoming upset by what you see. And with no more emotion added, reason and patience come to the fore. You will have the power to observe and to get better without any effort on your part. It will be a gift to you for being patient with others. And when you are patient with others, you will also be able to be patient with yourself.
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Once you reconnect to conscience and intuition, and once you are repented and experience a profound regret, you become a friend of truth, a friend of conscience, and a friend of God.

Suddenly conscience becomes intuition again--a welcome friend and presence we wish to walk with--not something to run from and avoid.

And when you are a friend of conscience and humbled, suddenly you no longer become tense in the first place or angry in the first place. Without the build up of tension, there is no need for unnatural relief. Suddenly you enjoy seeing the truth instead of wanting to run from it. And you become incompatible with the old consciousness lowering activities.

2012 Update from Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD.

Anger is very destructive, and it can ruin everything: your marriage, your life, and your health. When we express anger, we say or do the wrong thing. When we repress it, it causes harm on the inside. An angry repressed person can also become a doormat, is afraid to say anything because of the suppressed anger that comes out. Repressed anger may also be a contributor to stuttering and other physical symptoms.

I know what you want. You want emotional self control without repression. You want a return to spontaneity and a care free spirit. You want restored good relations with partner, kids and others. You want stop doing foolish things or self medicating with drugs, marijuana or alcohol. You want help.

The solution to your issues lies in proper application of the meditation exercise along with realization of a few insights. You must, for example, see the role of resentment in your anger issues, and the meditation will help you see how to give it up.

If you are really serious about letting go of anger, then I recommend you explore the various resources we have available. Go to our central help center and you will find the meditation, my new meditation for PTSD, relationship resources, and much more. Listen to my radio program there. Get started today, leave behind the baggage of the past, and go forward to joy and success. Make 2012 your best year ever.

Free Preview of New Book by Someone Who Was Victorious Over Emotional Issues

2011-12-18T16:41:00.000-08:00

Mike's Story “How I overcame depression,
bipolar, OCD, anxiety and other
issues without drugs”

is now available in eBook to download to your computer, read online, or download to your mobile device right now!

Mike’s Story “How I overcame depression,
bipolar, OCD, anxiety and other
issues without drugs.” is the powerful personal testimony of someone
who overcame mental health and other issues and went on to
enjoy a successful, productive life.

Mike tells you about his childhood:

the traumas, the obsessions and compulsions, his
shyness and bipolar. Mike tells you about his twenties: the
depression, the doubts and the fears.

You will hear him talk about how Zorro and Colombo helped him get through.

You’ll find out what the Zen Master said.

You’ll read about Mike’s close call with Dr. Rough Handling.

Mike loves to philosophize about life, love,

and he likes Frank Sinatra too.

For each stage of his life he reveals how he moved on and left the
issues behind.

Mike saves the best for last:

How he found his
spiritual roots with the help of meditation, a change of heart, a
hug and a kick in the pants from God.

Preview now

Roland Trujillo, pastor, mentor and spiritual
director, is the author of 12 books. His popular self
help radio program has aired on both secular and
Christian radio stations around the country for 22
years.

“I love helping people improve their
relationships, overcome personal issues and find
their spiritual roots. People get stuck, and they need
someone who thinks outside the box to help
them look at life with fresh eyes.

People are resilient and can make progress in a very short amount of time.
Sometimes all it takes is an insight or two, a little meditation to get centered, and knowing that there is someone who has love, and who both understands
and can help. That’s all.

Read excerpts from Chapter One

Here is an letter written by someone who gets it. He overcame anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder. In this letter, he comments on the verse from the Psalms and then tells of his recovery journey. He gave me permission to share his letter but asked that I only use his first name, Michael. I hope someone will be inspired to give our free spiritual meditation a try. All I can say is "Thanks, Mike." Roland

Hello, my name is Michael.

I love this verse from the Psalms.

He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.
Psalm 112:7 (English Standard Version).

It sounds good, doesn't it? But the question is: how do you get to where you have such a firm heart and settled spirit?

It took me a long time to get to where I could understand and say something about having a firm heart and settled spirit. I was Mr. Jellyfish.

But here’s the good news: if I can do it, anyone can do it. It took me 40 years, but that was because it took 40 years for me to get to the point where I was ready. Once you’re ready, recovery can begin in a heartbeat.

And it doesn’t have to take 40 years to be ready. You can be ready in this instant regardless of your age, if your heart is pure and you are sincere.

Here's my story. Let's begin with a few thoughts about anxiety and some observations about life and how I started to recover. . . . .

When you are in a tight golf match and it's the 18th hole and you have to make a knee knocking three foot putt, what do you do? You suck it up, get a bucket full of guts, and even though your knees are knocking, you attempt the putt.

Let's say you're a plumber and a client has a major break in a pipe under their house that has to be dealt with now. Do you become upset or angry and call a time out and make the client go to his room because you can't cope? No, you deal with the situation, even though you don't feel like it. . . . . .

I have discovered that the secret to life is in overlooking.

You have anxiety, but overlook it. In other words, instead of struggling with, suppressing or trying to get rid of the anxiety, you overlook it.

Someone makes a mistake, but you overlook it (instead of judging or resenting them). You have doubts, but you overlook them (instead of dwelling on them).

You feel anger (at your child, for example), but you overlook it (and remain calm).

There are many good things I could say about overlooking. How it helps us overcome anxiety, doubts, fears, negative emotion; and how it helps us be more patient with others. But for now, I will mention it in passing. Later I will talk about the meditation (that Roland offers) and how it helps you learn to overlook. . . . . .

Instead of living and teaching the value of doing what is right and overlooking anxiety or negative emotion, they first seek to get rid of the anxiety or negative emotion. This is putting the cart before the horse.

We triumph as humans when we overcome anxiety or negative emotions through doing what is right and being virtuous.

In other words, a true human gives the food to their child even though they themselves are hungry. A true human does the right thing despite fear. He tells the truth, though he is made to feel uncomfortable. She acts calmly for the sake of others, despite anxiety. He says no to temptation despite having feelings of lust or greed. . . .

Remember it took 80 years for Moses to be made ready to lead his people out of Egypt.

So you might as well be prepared for a long period of just being a regular person. But you can start to get ready for the touch of God which may come someday by living with some dignity, some honor, some self control, some discipline where you are right now.

And by exercising virtue, it will grow, and you will increase in composure and self control. No, you won't walk on water--but by exercising virtue, you'll begin to face things with at least a modicum of natural poise, and it will grow.

Therefore do not mind it if you encounter some difficulty. Do not become resentful if you have some ups and downs, some rain on your parade, a boyfriend or girlfriend who quits you, a job you don't get, a day when you don't feel particularly good or some anxiety if you have to give a speech. . . .

And while you are at it, expect betrayal, people saying mean things about you for no reason, and so on. That way you won't be shocked and upset when it happens.

So you'll have to start now where you are at. And it doesn't matter where that is.

So start to face some things today. And like I said, don't expect to get it just right from the start. Take it easy. Rome wasn't built in a day. Don't look for perfection. Look for progress. And here's a word of caution: start with the small stuff. . . .

Remember how I said that we have been made self conscious in many ways? Okay. So don't hate yourself if you meet a moment badly. In my life, I've messed up, made a fool of myself, cut and run, let my team down, copped out, and many other small but shameful failings. I failed and then reacted badly to what I was forced to see about myself.

But as time went by (as years went by) I learned to fail less. And I also learned to react badly less to my failings. In other words, I began to grow up, and I'm still growing up.

When I was 10, 15, 20, 30 years old, did I have anxiety? Of course. Did I get depressed? Of course.

When my parents got divorced, it bothered me. When my dad died, it made me sad. When my parakeet died, I felt bad. What was I supposed to do, be happy about these things? I grieved and felt hurt and then I got over it.

When I was a little kid, did I go through a spell where I had to do a ritual of counting numbers or arrange my shoes perfectly at night or else "something really bad would happen?" Of course. Then I grew out of it.

When I was in college, was I high and hyper when something good happened and stayed up till dawn talking to my friends? Then did I crash when a bunch of things went wrong? Naturally.

When I was in my 20's did I wonder who I was and if there was a future for me? Did I mess up, and make mistakes? Sure.

And then did something try to tell me I was "worthless" and that "the world would be better off without me?" Of course.

When I was 30 and sitting in a lonely apartment in the outskirts of Chicago, with the snow coming down and nowhere to go and wishing I were back in California, did I feel depressed? Of course.

But here I am. I got through.

My recovery was two part. First it was just growing out of issues. It seems like each stage of our life--little kid, big kid, teenager, college age, 20's, 30's--there are some typical issues to deal with. The old expression "time heals all wounds" definitely applies. Somehow I just grew out of things.

Like when I was a kid, teen, and in my 20's I was painfully shy. But then when I was in my 30's I was teaching college classes, and now I feel comfortable around everyone and talk about anything. And it's fun.

Okay, so it took a few years to get over it. But I did get over it.

So we grow, we mature, we leave behind the things of childhood--including issues. We move on. It's a long process and it's life.

t's a relief to find out that lots of people have the same issues, and lots of people get better.

I'm extending my hand in friendship to talk about some of the things I have been blessed to learn along the way in my spiritual walk.

Pastor Roland's comments

Thanks, Mike
Your letter is inspirational.

I believe that it is hard to be a good person or a good Christian and express truth and love when you are resentful, upset, angry, and lost in the imagination. We are much better off dealing with our loved ones and life's situations with patience and reason instead of upset.

That is why I enjoy helping people calm down first. After finding the secret to self control, they will then be able to express love, reason and patience..

God wants us to enjoy and live in His beautiful reality in His beautiful present. In fact, He wants us to not only be aware (in which state we inherit the power to deal gracefully with life), but He wants us to become aware of His Presence in the present.

Now if you will, check out the simple meditation (it is free) that helps you become aware instead of lost in your thinking and emotions.
____________________________
.

Special Offer: for a donation of $10, we will send you a pdf of Mike's Story by email.

Your gift helps Roland help others.

And you will benefit from this ground breaking new self help book.

Just click on the Donate Button, and we'll respond by email, so you can have your eBook to start reading.

Special Offer!

For a donation of $19, you will receive Mike's Story in eBook.

You will also be entitled to a 30 minute texting chat session for a personal consultation with the co author, Roland Trujillo.

A 30 minute texting chat session normally costs $30.

You will receive it free for donation of $19 for your Mike's Story eBook.

You get both the eBook (152 pages) and a thirty minute chat session - all for a donation of $19

Just click on the donate button, make your donation and we will send you your book by email and tell you how to arrange to chat with Roland Trujillo

What Does Your Handwriting Reveal?

2011-12-01T08:53:00.000-08:00

Discover your special talents and abilities! Start the New Year off right. Who are you compatible with? Explore new career paths based on uncovered talents you may not even know you have. Find out about yourself. Roland developed an interest in handwriting analysis (graphology) almost 40 years ago and studied it extensively. He has brought joy and new self knowledge to hundreds of people over the years. As a special holiday fund raiser, he is offering his service here. Roland will analyze your handwriting and send you a detailed analysis. You also get a free bonus live chat session with Roland. Click here to find out more

What Does Your Handwriting Reveal?

2011-12-01T08:51:00.000-08:00

A Poem about How I Overcame Unhappiness - a True Story

2011-11-26T21:05:00.000-08:00

“I fled Him down the nights and down the days
I fled Him down the arches of the years
I fled Him down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind, and in the midst of tears
I hid from him, and under running laughter.”
― Francis G. Thompson, The Hound of Heaven.

I had a little work related stress,
And my apartment was a mess.
My boyfriend left town,
And my Internet was down.

I had a little anxiety
But no one could really help me, as you will see.

I'll spare you the details of what happened since
Remembering the first few months just makes me wince.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure they all meant well,
But my life became a living hell.

Despite all my troubles, I want you to know
There is a very happy ending though.
But first I had to humble my pride
And give up all the hate that was inside.
Let's begin at the start
When I used to think I was smart.
So here goes . . . .

"I've got a little work related stress,
And my apartment is a mess.
My boyfriend left town,
and I'm feeling a little down"

"Let's try this and see if it works for you.
Just to take the edge off and relax you too."

I'm not trying to complain.
At least he gave what I had a name.
But why was I still in pain.

Why did everything irritate me.
Why did I get angry at everything I see.
Why was I lonely, bitter and sad.
When others were happy it made me feel bad.

I wondered: Am I just a chemical imbalance?
Am I just a body for men to use?
What they call love just makes me confused.
My parents talked to me about my bank balance.
They kept saying I must be a success
But nothing seemed to give me happiness.
What good is it if I succeed
If no one can give me an answer to what I need?

I went to the chaplain and she was nice.
She prayed with me, stayed with me and called me twice.
But why does everyone just want to comfort me?
Why can't I overcome, move on and and just be free?
Everyone is helpful and kind,
But why couldn't I leave my issues behind?

I heard someone talk about being free indeed,
So I thought I'd give it a try.
I joined a church and went twice a week.
Hoping to find the answers I seek.
I studied, sang and prayed,
But became uneasy the longer I stayed.

After the excitement wore off,
When I was home by myself,
I had to admit what I could tell no one else:
Inside I still felt the same.
Something was missing. It is hard to describe.
I still felt empty inside.
So I kept on searching for the meaning of life.

Don't get me wrong.
It's nice to sing a song,
And memorize a Scripture or two.
But if the the dogma is rigid and the words insipid
It's something I would rather not do.

I found another group that was all friendship and hugs.
They had drums and a guitar (but no drugs).
There was clapping and singing, and swaying.
Positive thinking and lots of praying.

I don't want to be rude
But I had to conclude
They tried their best,
But like my many men, they failed the test.
Decent and friendly and nice guys
But just more emptiness in disguise.

So I threw in the towel
It was all beginning to sour.
I went back to my weed and speed.
But it didn't take me long to see that it was wrong.
Now I could see
it just wasn't me.

I needed more than people's comfort and being nice,
the drugs, the hugs, the songs and the words,
or the study and the palliative prayer.
I wanted the answer that sets me free
To move forward and be a new me.

I found an Eastern philosophy
Which I heard about on TV.
It talked about enlightenment and tranquility.
But it struck me as selfish and all about oneself.
Like being self preoccupied and sitting on the shelf.
Something about it just didn't feel right.
It was close to what I wanted, but not quite.

I went back to the university.
It was a relief to talk about sustainable development and diversity,
And not about religion or eternity.
The rebellion and free lifestyle were inviting.
The football and parties were exciting.

But it struck me as hollow and empty,
A juvenile rebellion against authority,
Or an intellectual rebellion against God, you see.
And the shallow selfish people I saw graduate
Made me want to hesitate.

I began to resent them all for not being there for me.
First my dad then every other authority.
I resented them for their shallow answers
Or for their glib answers
To persuade me, to intimidate me
To speak condescendingly.
It was all about party time,
The bottom line,
Or the party line.

I could not let go of judgment and resentment
toward those who robbed me of my contentment
I was full of contempt for their weakness
And anger over their pretense.

And I resented myself too.
I was so full of hate, I had to judge myself too.

I resented everyone for not having love for me.
I was filled with anger and blame, it was plain to see.
But at least I was on the verge of seeing what was wrong with me.

Each day at the park I watched the little kids play.
Full of happiness and joy and never a bad day.
I pondered the difference between them and me.
And slowly I began to see.

What I was like when I was small I had forgot.
There's only one difference between them and me.
I am resentful and they are not.

Thinking back to earlier years,
I began to see what started my decline to emptiness and tears.

I resented my mom and my dad, you see.
I especially resented my dad for not being there for me.
I hated my life too and everything about myself,
And then it spread over the years to everyone else.

I resented my peers, my partner, my kids and my luck too.
My job, my boss, and My God! Even You.

Resentment became a way of life.
The loser's way of avoiding strife.
Judging and angry at everything, it seemed harmless at the time.
A way to judge underneath, but pretend everything is fine.

It gave me a secret ego satisfaction -
A loser's way of getting even.
It was a secret reaction.
On the surface I smiled, but underneath I was was judgmental and mean.

I was saddened about what I had discovered,
About the hate and hostility I had uncovered.
I could not change myself, though regretting what I see.
So I was in a quandary.
Wanting to change but not knowing how,
My dilemma was finally solved, and I'll show you how.

When something about yourself you see
That you would rather not be.
But you've found that struggle and trying just make things worse.
The solution is so simple, it is found in the following verse.

Just regret what you see about yourself.
Don't try to charge with any effort.
Just quietly bear the brief pain - just do that and nothing else.
It is God's light, we call conscience, that is making you see
God is present, and the sadness is in His Light in which you see.

When you know the sadness is in God's light
It is very comforting.
The change you want will happen in God's due time.

I walked around and was sad about what I discovered.
My conscience and sweetness I had recovered.
So I just bore the pain without trying to change.
Soon I began to shed a tear
Over what I saw about myself.
I was sad, then glad, then relieved I must confess
To just come clean and let God clear up my mess.

I experienced something profound,
Repentance I had found.
Not of myself but of He.
God's light was repenting me.

It was like a purging and catharsis of my wrong
What I couldn't do myself, He can, because He is kind and gentle and strong.
First the pain, followed by sadness, then the soul bursts into song,
Because I know the quiet joy that He has forgiven me of my wrong.

After I was purged I was free to see
One by one, what was wrong with me.
Each time the same process: first pain, sadness then relief.
After being sorry, I found peace beyond belief.

Every day a little pain to bear,
Regret, forgiveness and then joy without compare.

Each day the pain is less but the wrong more subtle,
Seeing all the wrong inside bursts the ego's bubble.

One day there will be no more wrong to see,
Just peace of mind and a life of discovery.
Repentance is God's way, and any expert who tries to imitate it
Will just rob the soul of repentance and only negate it.
Repentance is God's plan for recovery.

The lesson is clear
You can't repent yourself.
Just be willing to be humbled and shed a tear
And wait for God to draw near.

When you are not right inside
Pious words and gestures only support pride.
You become a model of hypocrisy
Because others see your inconsistency.

In our pride and with our ego's short sight.
We think we have to make something happen with effort and with might.
That is how our ego blocks God's redeeming light.

Our biggest error is resenting His light
Or suppressing what is wrong to keep it out of sight,
When you should expose it to the light,

Instead, just regret your wrong without trying to make yourself right,
Wait for repentance and change in the Light.

And here is something else profound,
When resentment is gone, love is there to be found.
God's love warms the soul and takes away the need.
Now you can forgive others for their misdeeds.

You always craved something from them and resented when they didn't have it.
Now you know why they didn't have love, because they hadn't found it.
You see they were victims too
That's why they didn't have love for you.

So now I could make it all unimportant
And move on with living.
I had found the answer and it is
To be more forgiving.

And when you forgive others by dropping resentment,
God forgives you, and you find peace and contentment.

Free Holiday Counseling Advice - Beat the Holiday Blues with a New Attitude - One of My Favorite Songs Too

2011-11-22T18:20:00.000-08:00

To all my friends around the world, here is one of my favorite holiday songs. Free Holiday chat coming soon!

"I'm Depressed - My Boyfriend Left Me and I Lost My Job" I Need to talk to Someone About Calming Down and Getting Centered

2011-11-15T08:02:00.000-08:00

"Most psychiatric drugs can cause withdrawal reactions, sometimes including life-threatening emotional and physical withdrawal problems. In short, it is not only dangerous to start taking psychiatric drugs, it can also be dangerous to stop them. Withdrawal from psychiatric drugs should be done carefully under experienced clinical supervision." Warning posted by Dr. Peter Breggin

Despite all the emphasis of giving drugs to depressed people, many recover from depression with time on their own, while others receive help from a variety of sources, including therapy, family, and religion. Depression is a loss of hope. . . . The restoration of hope is key to overcoming depression and hope can come from many sources. The alternative to antidepressants is all of life: romantic love, family, friends, community, nature, and religion all help people overcome depression. Scientific studies show that everything from a new pet to an exercise program, as well as the passage of time, can relieve depression." Dr. Peter Breggin

Update Here is a two minute video by Dr. Peter Breggin MD that talks about adverse effects and the treatment of depression. Dr. Breggin has been called the conscience of psychiatry. He makes several excellent observations in this short talk.

Hello, I am a pastoral counselor and spiritual care giver. This is a lengthy article. So here is a summary. To find what you want, just scroll down.

Many people are out of control emotionally. This loss of self sovereignty results in anger and a sense of loss of dignity. Usually their life is also out of control, which then is made worse when a host of outside forces and events begin to be dominate them, increasing the sense of being controlled or out of control.

I do not buy into the chemical imbalance in the brain theory. As a pastor, I see that there is a spiritual component as well as a relational one to our life issues--often beginning with childhood traumas; poor communication with a father; then school, peer and other pressures, exacerbated by a variety of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and even misdiagnoses.

Then to make matters worse, most people become resentful toward others who caused their issues or failed to help them, and this resentment destabilizes them and renders them exquisitely sensitive to those very pressures.

Resentment and the traumas to which we have over-reacted cause us to lose the center--lose touch with our center of dignity and innocence, and fall away from our Creator (to Whom we were once close when very little children). Thus I see that learning to let go of resentment is an important component in repairing one's life and restoring emotional balance and control.

A complementary mindfulness meditation has been found by some people to be helpful in facilitating the restoration of balance, control and a sense of dignity. It helps them calm down without feeling numbed, disconnected or dazed. Some also say that it seems to assist in them in re-finding their spiritual roots, and once a connection is re-established, there appears to be a power that comes into play that assists in holding back the pressures from overwhelming them.

Many were Christians, but just not quite Christian enough. Somehow this meditation permits them to become unblocked and to get in touch with their Christian roots in a wholesome way, so that now they can better appreciate what their good pastor or the Bible is saying.

Reason returns, calmness enters, and now reality becomes a friend. Real positive options can be explored, and now the door opens to a chain of good things happening, and the door closes to the negative thoughts, emotions and the negative behaviors they were once compelled to exhibit. Click here to read more about meditation.

After introducing the meditation and why it can help, the author then refers to Mike's Story. Mike's Story is a success story of someone who overcame depression, OCD, bipolar, anxiety and substance abuse without drugs. Mike's Story is published in installments (and will soon be a book). Click Here to read Mike's Story now.
Finally additional resources are listed, both library resources and online free resources to read and watch. End of summary

Hello,
this is Pastor Roland. Many people are concerned about negative emotions. They have them and are seeking to cope with them and solve them. So they are looking for educational resources and solution strategies. This article is divided into three sections.

First I talk about why we become upset in the first place (usually beginning in childhood) and how a proper meditation to learn how to calm down can help a person cope. I put this section first because I believe that finding the key to natural self control is the most important thing each of us can discover.

Many people are out of control, and regaining self sovereignty has so many benefits, among them a restored sense of dignity and self worth, living life on a more even keel, having more patience with others, and the restoration of hope when we discover that we really can cope with life's challenges and seek for the purpose of our life.

Next, I list some online resources for further reading and listening (starting with my own articles and blogs).

This post is a resource for you. It offers information and avenues for further exploration. Its purpose is to offer you some educational resources to help you in your search for answers. Obviously I do not know your individual circumstances, so I am just offering some general information.

Part One: Why We Became Negative and Emotional In the First Place and How to Regain Self Control

We suffer from a disconnect from our Creator. We cannot give ourselves patience, we cannot give ourselves love, we cannot give ourselves joy. We need our Creator's love and approval. The problem is that finding our Creator is interfered with by out of control emotions, but it is the calm Presence of our Creator and the surety of realizing His benevolence and providence that we need to restore composure.

Human beings have a soul. We thrive in an atmosphere of love.

Dr. Peter Breggin, M.D. wrote a book entitled Toxic Psychiatry: Why Therapy, Empathy and Love Must Replace the Drugs, Electroshock and Biochemical Theories of the New Psychiatry. I like his title and premise of his book. I do not believe in the biochemical theories, and I do not believe in the so called "chemical imbalance in the brain" theory.

Love, empathy and understanding are indeed what we all need. Our fellow humans, if graced with understanding and patience, may at least do no harm, give us space to recover, or perhaps lend a helping hand when we are in a tough spot. However, I believe that the ultimate love, empathy and understanding that we need to solve our issues, restore self composure and a sense of well being come from our Creator within.

Trouble is--it was someone out in the world who started us reacting in the first place. We began to feel empty and out of control. So we made the mistake of looking to the world for love and for answers.

Whether you look to people, substances, experts, helpers, or organizations--you can't find what you lost out in the world. What you lost was rapport with your Creator, and the means of being calm, reasonable, and fulfilled without becoming dependent on someone or something on the outside.

At this point, I might take a moment to address my Christian brothers and sisters. It happens that a person can begin to feel overwhelmed and out of control through some childhood trauma or having a big reaction to some incident, because of a lack of guidance about how to control emotions, or because of the accumulation of many small emotional reactions. Another contributor to feeling overwhelmed is pressure and challenge (whether the pressures are religious, sports, academic, parental, or peer group).

I have to say that the patient and kind presence of someone with understanding, especially a calm and unperturbed parent, might have prevented the emotional build up. In this regard, there is nothing like the steady hand of a father. Father stands in for God in the eyes of the child. A father who is there for us and who is full of wisdom and grace is often all we need to get through life's vicissitudes unscathed.

But for whatever reason the negative emotions began, and once they take hold there is then a struggle with the symptoms, plus resentment toward others and impatience with their own self. Resentment leads to even more anxiety, guilt, unhappiness, and run away emotions.
That is why patience and understanding both with yourself and others is needed. I have a free Christian meditation which has helped a lot of people become centered and helped them refind their calm center of dignity.

We cannot give ourselves patience or understanding, but we can discover them within when we cease our struggle and, as the old expression goes, "let go and let God." The problem is that most of us don't know how to become centered. We are just too emotional, too lost in thinking and struggling.

The meditation is just a little tech support. God says in the Bible "Be still and know that I am God." The little meditation exercise assists a person in being still. That's all. God does the rest.

Once a person learns how to get centered and calm down, s/he is more receptive to reason and intuitive insight. The person can then calmly see, grasp, and most importantly apply the kind of sound advice you get in the Bible, for example, or from a good pastor. The assistance of my Christian meditation may be very well be helpful in restoring a person to a more even keel and calmness. Then s/he can successfully move forward with the Christian walk.
The Christian meditation is complementary to what you are doing now. I am not seeking to replace your present faith practices or your relationship with your pastor or spiritual caregiver.

The Christian stillness meditation is simply a tool to get centered and calm down. Then it will be easier to be a Christian and to apply to your life the beautiful Christian principles that you hear and read. It helps you to be a better Christian. When you are calmer and less upset, you will not be lost in worries. You will be able to focus better on the instruction of your good pastor or the Scripture.

The Christian will be edified to learn that it is in departing from patience and faith that we fall into emotions. The secret to regaining self composure is to return to and cling to an inner rapport with the Source of patience and faith. You have suffered from a disconnect from your Creator.

And as I have always said--conscience is your closest link to God. When I say conscience, I mean what you know in your heart is right (it is a quiet presence and a sense of well being, until you stray from it, then it feels like conscience when it seeks to make you aware that you have erred). All you need is to plug back in, begin again to trust in your intuition (your gut, your highest instincts) and great will be your joy and relief when you discover that patience and understanding will be imparted to you there.

I'm sure you've heard this before--what people need is finding and solving the cause of their issues; but what they get is mostly symptom removal. Taking away symptoms is what most of our worldly helpers, experts, entertainers and lovers are adept at. Trouble is their brand of symptom relief and symptom removal leads to more symptoms, unforeseen side effects, and more unawareness--leading to another round of error. Meanwhile the cause is still there.

This brings us to the subject of drugs.

Psychiatrist and expert in psychopharmacology, Dr. Peter Breggin, wrote a book entitled Your Drug May Be Your Problem: How and Why to Stop Taking Psychiatric Medication. He points out that in some cases the side effects of various psychotropic drugs include such things as restlessness, anxiety, mania, depression, hearing voices, thoughts of hurting self or others, and increased suicidality (that's why the FDA has required the drug manufacturers to put Black Box Warnings about increased suicidality on some meds, especially for children and adolescents).

As discussed in Dr. Breggin's book Medication Madness - the Role of Psychiatric Drugs in Suicide, Violence and Crime, if a person is experiencing negative thoughts and feelings as side effects, and does not realize that the drug is contributing to them, that person sometimes starts to blame himself or herself for what they are thinking or feeling.

This self doubt and self blame lead to more negativity. This unfortunate situation is solveable when the person is educated about the fact that it's not them it's the side effect.

Parents may wish to read Dr. Breggins's book and educate themselves about this issue. Dr. Breggin devotes a whole chapter to effects associated with stimulant drugs given to treat children. This book is available at many free public libraries.

While under the spellbinding influence of emotion or drug, people think, say or do things that they never would otherwise. For example, under the influence of anger, a person might say something hurtful they later are sorry for.

Without realizing that marijuana has caused their driving skills to deteriorate, a person might make a mistake while driving.

Dr. Hendrickson describes in her book about a lady who recounted that after taking meds she began hearing voices telling her that she was ugly and everyone hated her. I recently heard of people who take a med to help them sleep who get up and cook or drive their car in the middle of the night and don't even remember it the next day.

How do any of these negative effects help in the Christian walk? They obviously don't. They make the Christian walk harder.

Maybe you can also see that emotions, such as anger, are like drugs. Perhaps the worst "drug" of all is the emotion of resentment. The very Christian virtues of patience, love, and forgiveness are hard to apply when emotions are running high, especially resentment. Since emotions, especially resentment, interfere with the calm application of principles such as those taught by Christ in the Sermon on the Mount, it makes sense to first calm down.

But you need to calm down naturally and in God's way and with His approval and help. Any external artificial means will cause guilt. Peace of mind, self control, and a carefree spirit are an inside job--they cannot be slapped on like a coat of paint, or manipulated with chemicals.

Incidentally, I have devoted twenty years of study to resentment and the importance of letting it go. In fact, I have discovered the secret to forgiveness. Many people know they are supposed to forgive but find it hard and don't know how (the secret lies in dropping resentment). I have covered this topic extensively in my books and articles. See free self help resources.

I have already mentioned drugs. The problem with taking drugs to calm down is that taking drugs causes guilt. We ought not to need a drug to calm us down, a drink of alcohol to give us courage, or a comedian to make us happy.

Calmness, spontaneity, happiness, courage and a blythe care-free spirit are the natural state of the human being (such as you see in little children). These come forth from within, and are there for us when we look to our Creator instead of to external supports.

Many Christians who keep looking for external crutches are just not Christian enough. They may be Christian, but not Christian through and through. Some of them are glad to discover that all the external things they lean on are what is interfering with being the Christian they would like to be. The good life is an inside thing, not an outside thing. Something was always missing, but they couldn't figure out what it was. Perhaps the meditation can help you find the missing something that will restore a bounce in your step and make your Christianity come alive for you.

Your downfall began with something or someone on the outside that you reacted to with anger or resentment, instead of remaining patient by responding only to inner principle. As Christians we know we are supposed to be patient and not take umbrage.

But you did take umbrage.

Your love was tested and found wanting. Now, you are undoubtedly still resenting the fact that you failed, still trying to make good, and still struggling with the cascade of symptoms that are the sequelae of your initial reaction long ago.

Now you must pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and admit that you failed. Don't be too hard on yourself (it's just another way the ego tries to rise above the situation and save its pride). We have all sinned and fallen short, as Paul said.

But here is my point. If it was reacting to the outside that started your descent in the first place, then more of the same is not the answer. You cannot solve your issue by more reacting to the outside. The answer is not on the outside--whether responding to a drug, substance, promises, support, words, or music.

The answer is responding to Truth within and finding an inner rapport, so that when the next external appeal comes along, this time you can remain unmoved.

True self control is from within--not painful suppression and repression, but a natural effortless control. Peace of mind, virtue and joy are awaiting us when we look within instead of looking to the outside. We need to be restored to our calm center of dignity where we might commune with insight and patience coming from God.

When we are back in touch with our God-given intuition, we then live and move and have our being from an inner source of intuitive guidance. And from there we get our energy to move. Being moved by a love of principle, we move forward without guilt or anxiety. Being on the same page as our Creator, we have no more unrecognized conflict with Him.

By being patient with others instead of resentful, we are rewarded with God's love from within. No longer needing the motivation of emotions to get the energy to move, we calm down and we begin to affect the world instead of the world affecting us.

No longer needing external pressures and challenges to stimulate us, we look within to apply delicate principles. And because the wellspring of our life is now from our Creator, there is no more anxiety or guilt. Only a peace of mind and a quiet joy in living our life. We learn that we don't need drugs, emotions, resentment, excitement or other externally based stimulations to be reasonable happy most of the time.

We need more than symptom removal. And we need more than knowledge about our issues. How many people do you know who seem to know everything about their operation, their diagnosis, or their meds. They are very knowledgeable, but they lack understanding that would give them insight and patience with themselves and others.

We cannot find this precious understanding in books, on the internet, from a preacher, from a drug, a counselor, or in a classroom. The best anyone can do for you is speak in such a way as to awaken you to see for yourself, so that you might see solutions instead of problems and so that you might stand back and stop interfering with natural spiritual restorative processes.

Understanding is a gift from God to the person who sincerely wants to know the truth and is willing to set aside raw knowledge and the judgments of pride in order to know God instead of playing God. It comes from within as a wordless knowing to the humble soul.

You need to find the state of mind where we can access God's understanding from within. This state of mind is called objectivity.

As long as you remain lost in thoughts, emotions, and study, you cannot find God's Presence and realize His point of view. You remain subjective.

Everything that I am trying to do on my radio program and in my books and blogs is awaken you to see that you are currently too lost in thinking and emotions. .

If you can learn to take a step back, and look at your issues objectively, you will inherit objectivity and the power to observe them without over-reacting to what you see. You will realize patience--first with yourself, then with others. You will realize that you have been too lost in struggling with your own issues, trying to save yourself, and then dealing with symptoms. You will also inherit understanding about yourself and others.

Let's take a quick look at how most of our emotional issues began. if you are like most people, what undoubtedly happened is that when you were a child someone failed to have love and patience for you.

An impatient or bossy parent, or an absent, drunken, or violent dad who wasn't there for you are often the ones who failed to have the agape love that would have shielded you from the emotional teases of the world. A weak parent, or one who is overly permissive, is just the other side of the coin of the impatient parent--neither has the kind of agape, emotionless love that we all really need.

When dad wasn't there for you, you became subject to your mothers' tender mercies--and if she didn't spoil you or teach you to hate your father, then she was impatient or even cruel. Through father's failure, we became subject to the world.

Through father's failure, you became subject to your teasing naughty friends, the gang, the pressuring or doting teachers and coaches, the pharmaceuticals, the drug dealer, the music and the entertainment industry--all of which appealed to your ego and your need for love. They appeared to love you, from your egotistical perspective. You felt empty and needy, and they filled the need with false love.

Sometimes we all need a helping hand, and we need someone to take charge when we are out of control. Afterwards we may need some sort of support to help keep us from falling back into the old habit patterns and associations that got us in trouble in the first place.

I take my hat off to the many people in the helping professions and the administrative systems who genuinely want to alleviate suffering and help individuals and society. They have a tough job and limited resources. I am glad and grateful they are there to help.

But there is only so much they can do. And to use an analogy--though we sometimes need the help of the good doctors at a hospital to help us get through a crisis, we don't want to stay in the hospital forever. We want to quickly get better and then move forward to health.

Likewise, when it comes to mental, emotional and spiritual health, it is good when we get a helping hand to help us weather the storm.

But just as we don't want to remain in the hospital forever, likewise we should not have to remain in church forever, on meds forever, or remain dependent on the system forever.

We should gratefully accept the temporary help of the hospital, the helping professionals, our support system, or the generosity of the social welfare administration, and then get back on our feet, become self reliant, and move forward to recovery, well being and optimal living. We shouldn't have to remain in church forever or in the system forever.

That is why the meditation and the insights of objectivity can be helpful. Once people refind their own center of dignity and discover access there to a fount of intuitive insight, they can become self motivated and self correcting.

They are grateful for the helping hand other people extended, but then instead of becoming dependent, they become well, productive, self reliant and self correcting.

Can you see how important it is to refind your God given intuition? Through the inner light which we know as wordless intuition, we find a link to our Creator and the kind of inner motivation and just-in-time guidance that stabilizes and restores us to dignity, faith, and peace of mind.

We will then be able to see, in this Light, which way to go and what activities to pursue that are in line with our God given talents. And perhaps most importantly, we discover that God gives us His warm love from within. We discover that for people who are sorry for judgments and hatreds, and who are willing to give up resentments, He forgives them and they feel His love within. Then they find that they can have patience with others and patience with their own failings and symptoms.

Otherwise, we are relegated to keep hunting and pecking for love from the world. Some of us turn to food, alcohol, or drugs to fill the emptiness. These substances appear to love you, but later you find that they are also your betrayers. Food cannot save you and fulfill you. And the kind of salvation a person finds in drugs or alcohol is the kind of unawareness that makes them even more prone to negative thoughts and wrong behaviors.

Perhaps now you can see the harm of the weak father. He may be decent, and he may even say the right things. But he says them weakly. He does not want to offend. He wants to be liked. He wants to be popular.

He turns you over the peer culture, the sports culture, the entertainment culture and the types of help that are available from external sources. In essence, he hands you over to others to have their way with you. He turns over responsibility to mom and puts her in charge. And she then turns the kids over to external authorities, to the peer group, and to the pop culture.
So now you know how it was that you were emotionalized, externalized and traumatized. It was not your fault. Now you see where the world's "love" has brought you. But this is not an excuse to resent or hate your parents, the schools, doctors, counselors, the clergy, the peer group, entertainers or anyone else. Sure they failed and may have betrayed you.

But surely you must also see that you used them. When you arrived at their doorstep begging for support, love and help--they did indeed try to help you. But you thereby gave them the power to play god over you.

Alas their help was human help. What you needed was God's love and help. But no one showed you how or where to find it. Your father was the one who should have been there with wisdom and understanding to stand patiently but steadfastly for what is right, to protect your innocence, and ever so gently guide you to find your Creator within.

But undoubtedly, no matter how decent he was, he was not stronger than the world. He too was a victim. No one had tutored him and shown him the way. So he never found it himself. When you see this, you will be able to forgive him for failing you.

Like I said, we all need to go to a doctor at times or get some help from someone. We must be grateful for their skill and their willingness to help. We must be grateful (and not feel humiliated) to need a little helping hand. But they are only human too. It is unfair to expect them to save you. You must graciously accept their help, but then seek to wean yourself from taking advantage of them.

I once heard Dr. Adrian Rogers say something interesting in this regard. He said that human goodness is not goodness if it leads you away from God. Just as some moms have done harm to their child by jealously claiming the child's love and coming between the child and his father, so likewise those we ask to help us may end up unknowingly keeping us from God if we put them on pedestals, use them to deny reality, or if we resent them when their help fails to save us.

When it comes to your unloved mom and your unaware weak dad, you must no longer resent them. They were victims too. Chances are that--whatever they did to you or allowed others to do to you--your parents didn't know any better or didn't know what was going on. Perhaps they were gullible and naive. Perhaps one or both were so angry and upset that they could not see through their emotions what your needs were. Perhaps they knew you were being harmed by them or others, but they were powerless to stop themselves or solve the situation.

The good news is that beginning right now you can start to solve your issues, regardless of what happened to you in the past. It begins with dropping your resentments against your parents (perhaps in the light of what you have just read). Then you will be able to extend that forgiveness to others too, especially to those who resemble the ones who hurt you when you were a child.

When you see that they too were victims, that they were claimed at an early age, and that no one had true agape love for them, it will be easier to forgive them.

The other thing is this--even if your parents had been perfect, because of your inherited pridefulness, you undoubtedly would have resented them anyway for not worshipping your or letting you have your way.

Remember the Garden of Eden story. Adam was in Paradise, but he was tempted to try to have his own way, and so he became ambitious. We all inherit his prideful nature, so we want to be admired and have our way. So like I said, even if your parents had been perfect, when they didn't worship you or let you have your way, you probably would have resented them, taken umbrage and looked to the world to admire and support your rebellion against your parents.

So now you know that others failed you--but you already know this. Now just realize that your mistake was resenting them and then chasing after them to get back what you lost.

Know now that you cannot get back what you lost from the world.

What you lost was a rapport with your inner ground of being that would have nourished your self. In order to regain your dignity, your self control, self worth, love and peace of mind, you must become still and stop your ever more frantic search for something out in the world.

You cannot find peace of mind in an alcohol bottle or a pill bottle. A renewed sense of purpose, joy and self control come from within.

You lost them by becoming resentful and then looking for external support and reassurance for your hateful and empty self.

If it was a failure of other people to love you properly--to be patient with you, to be there for you, and to gently correct your ego excessses-- that was the beginning of your downward slide, what is perpetuating it now is your failure to love.

And your failure to love is evident in your resentment and judgments toward others. The way to love others is to be patient with them. Learn to overlook offenses. Learn to see error without resenting the person for their error. Love by not hating. Love by not resenting. Love by being patient. You will then be able to be patient with yourself.

Just as permissiveness, drugs, perks and praise build up our ego and set us up for a fall; we then continue to deteriorate because of our resentment and hatred of those responsible. In other words, resentment, judgment and hatred feed your ego. Resentment and judgment are the booby prizes for the resentful loser.

The secret to your recovery lies in learning to give up resentment, and in refinding the objective state of mind you had long ago before your fall began.

You have probably heard the famous saying "let go and let God." For a person with a sincere attitude, our meditation (free to listen to and download) is the simple technology that teaches you how to refind objectivity. Now let me elaborate a bit on the topic of forgiveness

A willingness to forgive opens the door to emotional and spiritual recovery. Right now, your biggest problem is resentment. Resenting others and resenting yourself. Most of your negative emotions and the symptoms that are contributed to by negative emotions have their root in resentment.

We spend so much time as individuals and as a society dealing with symptoms. Millions and billions of hours and dollars are spent dealing with symptoms of people's failing to love and have understanding for each other. All the drug abuse, violence, divorce, broken homes, depression and suffering have their roots in a failure to find love and understanding. First when we resent those who didn't have patience and understanding for us when we were kids. Then we resent others, and then we resent ourselves. So now we come to the second half of the recovery equation: giving up resentment.

It would be nice if we had had parents who were filled with wisdom and grace in the first place. And it would have been nice if other people had understanding. If our parents or other authorities had had real love and patience, they might have gently corrected our ego needs and greeds. They would not have teased and challenged us to be ambitious. They would have protected our innocence, and given us space to grow to whom the Good Lord intended us to be. But alas, most of our parents and other authorities, though they may have done the best they could, did not have love and understanding themselves. They could not give what they did not have. When you realize this, it will help you forgive them for having failed you.

If your mom and dad were (or are) good people, then that is very good. If you nevertheless feel empty or unloved, it could be that you are resenting them for something. It is important to not resent your parents. Even if they made some mistakes, just don't resent them for it. Any feeling of emptiness is usually connected with resentment of someone. And the most important people not to resent are our parents.

Others failed us and we hated them for it. Then feeling empty and unloved because of our secret hostility and resentment, we looked for something to fill the emptiness. We looked to social approval, boyfriends, food, drugs, alcohol or marijuana to fill the emptiness. But others used us, the drugs betrayed us, and through getting the wrong kind of "love" were corrupted. So what is the answer?

It does not matter what others did to you, nor does it matter in what particular ways you failed in the past. What is important now is that you find objectivity--the ability to stand back and look at thoughts, emotions, and circumstances and see them objectively in the Light of Truth. Right now you are too caught up in struggling with your own problems and lost in emotions. You need objectivity.

Things are not as hopeless as they seem, but in order to realize the solution, you need the ability to stand back from the issue, the symptoms, and the struggle.

In brief, you need to get out of your emotions.

We all have access to the inner light. This inner Light is how we realize things without words. We call it intuition, common sense, or a gut level knowing. When we have such an insight, it is wordless. We just know or sense something. But what we don't realize is that the way we know is that we are seeing in the inner Light.

This inner Light is a wonderful thing, actually our most precious possession. It is not some far out mysterious thing. It is how we have common sense and intuition. It is how we realize. An animal cannot REALIZE but people can. We were all close to the light when we were little children. We knew things wordlessly. We loved and responded to what we saw was good and true, and when we saw injustice, we knew it without words. No one had to teach us, we just saw it. We were close to innocence and close to God.

But we fell away from what we wordlessly knew in our hearts when we became emotional and our ego began to look to the world to fulfill it. We doubted what we knew in our hearts, and we believed and followed others instead. They promised to fulfil our ego desires.

You see, not only is the Inner Light (what we know in our heart is right) the source of intuition and protection, but it is also the Source of all true creativity, fulfilment, inspiration, revelation, and love.

Now, the solution to all your problems lies in finding your way back to this inner Light and learning to relate to it properly.

Once you become friends with this wordless intuition (which now feels like conscience), you will have peace with God and the light will be a lamp unto your feet, providing private counsel and just in time guidance for the rest of your life.

Fortunately it is not difficult to find and relate to what we know in our hearts again. All that is needed is the right intent, coupled with and a little technical support on how to find and relate to intuition. The intent needed is a burning desire to know the truth and a willingness to admit our wrong when the truth reveals it.

The tech support we need is the proper meditation, such as the one we offer as a free download at the Center for Common Sense Counseling, which shows a person how to become still and observe thoughts and emotions without being caught up in them. It also shows you how to extend contact with intuition to the body, so that you inherit self control. Now, when you practice the simple meditation with the right intent you will calm down and become less reactive.

You will also discover a new patience with others and with yourself. As you calm down and become less reactive, the first things you will see in the Light of intuition is the truth about your wrongs. You will see your errors, and seeing them in the Light you are sorry. You experience a quiet sadness about what you see. You may have tears rolling down your cheeks. This is called repentance. You experience a sad glad.

You are sad about what you see, but you are glad to come clean. You are being repented in the Light. Seeing and mourning your wrongs, you stress the compassion of the spirit. And God extends His forgiveness.

After the brief pain, you feel shriven and clean. Joy returns and a quiet peace of mind. This process repeats itself many times over the days and weeks. Each time the pain is less, but the error being observed is more subtle. The turmoil and the writhing you are now currently experiencing in your being is because you are undoubtedly still trying to save yourself. You have been resenting what your conscience keeps trying to make you aware of. So you have conflict with conscience, and tension and writhing because you resent the Light for making you aware of your own wrong.

All you need do is stop trying to resist the Light. Instead let it rub your nose in your wrongs. Sure, it is a bit painful, but only briefly. Soon the sad refines into glad, and joy returns. Now, having experienced the touch of God and experiencing forgiveness, you can also forgive others. You see that they are just as lost as you have been. You see that they are victims too. When they were little no one had the right kind of love for them. No one was there to guide them properly.

You see that your parents were doing to you what was done to them. They could not help themselves any more than you have been able to stop yourself from hurting others. Your new found understanding makes it easy to have compassion and forgive. And when you forgive others, God extends His forgiveness to you. It was a lack of the right kind of love from others that you reacted to and which sent you on an erring course. It was your resentment of others that separated you from God's love from within. Now you will have have come full circle. You will have discovered God's love because of your willingness to know the truth and to forgive others.

Now you will be able to go out into the world, and instead of being a victim, you become a survivor and more than just in recovery. You become an overcomer. You become a child of God, and you extend a little light into an otherwise dark world. "Resist not evil. Overcome evil with good."

Additional Online and Library Educational Resources

We offer an outstanding array of free educational resources: articles, free audio, eBooks, and the meditation.
The most important resource that we have is the meditation, perhaps the only one a person may need to regain self control and become centered. Click on the Self Help Resources Tab at the top of the blog for links to the meditation and our other resources.
The second most important resource we have are my radio lectures and sermons. There is nothing like the spoken voice to convey meaning. I highly recommend you listen to some of the 30 minute recordings first. You can listen while you are looking over the written resources, or you can download them to listen to while you are driving, working around home or whatever.

Now, I am always somewhat hesitant to list other sites, books or blogs because I prefer you spend your time looking over my audio, books and articles. But, on the other hand, if I don't mention at least a few, you may not know where to look, especially if you are busy. Of course I have to say that whatever you hear or read at some other site or resource is the opinion of that author and not necessarily my own.

Secondly, you may be surprised to see that most of the resources I mention below are not Christian or religious. Mostly they are regular people who don't mention their religious beliefs or disbeliefs. They are psychiatric survivors, consumer advocates, and enlightened psychologists, writers, and psychiatrists.

Frankly, I have to say that when it comes to the mental health issues that many people are dealing with today, I have found the writings and audio of my fellow clergy or Christian counselors not terribly helpful. I'm not saying that helpful information is not there. I'm just saying that I haven't found it. And what I found was weak or confusing. What I found were chapter and verses and psychological jargon, usually with weak reassurances and obeisance to the chemical imbalance theory.

Don't get me wrong. I love the Scriptures and I believe that Christianity really does have the answers, but when I listen to or read the Christian speakers and writers, there is some sort of disconnect between their words and implementation. What they say sounds good and sounds scriptural, but the listeners and readers have a hard time applying what they hear to such real time issues as depression, anxiety disorder, ADHD, the issues of psychiatric meds, side effects, dependency, discontinuation syndrome, PTSD and various mental health diagnoses--issues that people are dealing with in the real world. So I had to look to others for down to earth practical information.

I only found one really helpful book from a Christian doctor, but it is a good one.

Will Medicine Stop the Pain? Finding God's Healing for depression, anxiety and other troubling emotions by Dr. Laura Hendrickson and Else Fitzpatrick.

It is a very good read for anyone, but Dr. Hendrickson devotes herself to addressing women's issues. She describes real live cases of women who had issues, began taking antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, tranquilizers, and what the results were. You get a Christian doctor's take on it all. It can be found at Amazon.com and you can preview many pages there for free. I found pages 205 and 206 to be an excellent description of side effects some people have described that it would be nice to avoid.

Here are some more relevant educational resources I have found

On Youtube, Dr. John Breeding PhD and psychologist. He has over 90 videos about mental health issues. No matter what your mental health issue or emotional issue is, Dr. Breeding will have a thoughtful and compassionate little video about it. His videos are very informative and he talks about good books to read too. Just enter John Bredding in the search box at Youtube.

Here for example is a two part video on depression
Here's a video of Dr. John Breeding talking to Anna Miller about bipolar

Here's a video of John Breeding talking about suicide, medication and PTSD in the news
These are just three examples of Dr. Breeding's videos. He has also written a couple books.

Dr. Peter Breggin has been writing about mental health issues and about psychiatric meds for many years. He is a psychiatrist and he has an informative website. He has written several books, such as Your Drug May Be Your Problem and his recent book Medication Madness - The Role of Psychiatric Drugs in Cases of Violence, Suicide and Crime. His books are available at Amazon.com and at most public libraries to check out for free.

Will Hall has an excellent radio program Madness Radio which can be heard on the Pacifica Network and listened to free online. He regularly interviews informed psychologists, psychiatrists, authors and survivors who have a positive enlightened point of view and helpful resources. A source of information about harm reduction.

Writer and researcher Robert Whitaker has written two books about the history of the treatment of psychiatric patients in America. His latest book is The Antidepressant Epidemic. Both of his books are excellent and are available at public libraries. He has also been interviewed extensively on the radio. His website is http://www.madinamerica.com/

A nice lady named Gianna Kali has an outstanding site called Beyond Meds. Her story and her dedication to helping others by sharing her story about her life on meds and her efforts to come off of meds is inspirational. Her site is continually updated with the latest news about drugs, meds, treatments, side effects, and so on. She also provides a huge number of links to other valuable resources. This is a good starting point for her references for alternatives to psychiatric meds.

Just recently Karel on KGO Radio in San Francisco had a guest on who talked about www.pointofreturn.org where she says there is a staff of doctors and other professional help with some resources and information about drug dependency.

From time to time I have seen references to Seroxat Secrets, where people share their personal experiences. Might be somehelpful support here for folks in Europe and Australia.

Ann Blake Tracey is with the International Coalition for Drug Awareness and has lots of information and resources.

For college students, Dr. Joseph Glenmullen MD talks about his experiences treating college students for depression, anxiety and other symptoms. Dr. Glenmullen is Clinical Instructor in Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. His first book is Prozac Backlash, and his second book is The Antidepressant Solution: A step by step guide to safely overcoming antidepressant withdrawal, dependence, and addiction. His books are available at public libraries.

Below are Dr. John Breeding's 2 short videos about depression. Please, take a few moments to watch them. I like his compassion and common sense, and he is also very knowledgeable. This is an excellent introduction to the topic.

I hope that you will find some useful information and some avenues for further exploration, and hopefully some answers to your question in the information above. Incidentally, if you enjoyed Dr. John Breeding's videos, here is a link to his playlist on YouTube.

The information is not meant to be exhaustive. Nor can I vouch for anything you read in the resource material. I put them here as useful avenues for exploration and to become informed. Just some things that I have found interesting, helpful and useful. I believe that the online resources provide a baseline for anyone who wants to become more informed and educate themselves. It is also nice to know that there are compassionate, educated and enlightened people out there.

But once you get an idea of what the playing field is, I then want to state that I believe that the missing element in so much of today's "help" is God.

I believe that the answer is not Freud but Christ, not chemistry but spirituality.However, just talking about God or Christ or just studying religion, or even acting the role of a good person is not enough. Too much talk, study and acting can (and often does) interfere with the real thing by the guilt they cause. They cause guilt before conscience when they interfere with or substitute for a real encounter with the God of conscience.

It is said that religion is the last refuge of the scoundrel. I'm sure you know people who use relgion as a cover for their pride. But there are also many decent people who honestly want to live the good life and who unwittingly throw themselves into religious study and activity only to feel anxious or guilty. And they don't know where it is coming from.

Similarly, one man, for example, kept reaffirming that he was saved, but he didn't feel saved. He got so guilty for feeling like a fraud that he threw in the towel. I was able to show him that the words he said in a moment of emotion years ago were just that: youthful words in a moment of emotion.
It was a great relief to him to realize that he never really fell away because he hadn't really found it in the first place. Now he could set aside the artificial guilt (for thinking he had fallen away) and was free to earnestly seek to find what he had always yearned for.

The real thing begins with seeing for yourself what is true, re-trusting what you know in your heart, and then living from what you realize and know in your heart.
I would like to humbly but boldly suggest that the little meditation we have just might be the way to refind your spiritual roots and discover a natural self control that is not dependent on drugs or manipulating conditions. It's not for everyone, but for some it is a God-sent.

Celebrate life! Leave behind the baggage of the past, consisting of unforgiveness, hurt feelings and anger. Start anew and find joy and a life of purpose. Perhaps our meditation and some insights can help. .

Pastor and Online Counselor Discusses Spiritual Recovery from Addictions and How Meditation May Help

2011-10-24T16:33:00.000-07:00

"Often the hidden reason why people drink, take drugs, and become addicted is because they are running from conscience. They became angry at their parents, partner, or someone else and began to feel uncomfortable about it. They resent other people and this resentment (being a form of unforgiveness) makes them uneasy. So they start taking a little drink, a little smoke or a little pill to ease their discomfort--to either numb their emotions, distract themselves, stimulate or depress their emotions.

But because they are really running from God (but don't realize it), when they try to escape the scrutiny of conscience, each new snort, pill, or puff just adds another guilt. And with each new guilt there is a greater need for relief.

Most of us would like to be forgiving, calm, and reasonable instead of angry--but once we lose control, we don't know how to get back on an even keel.

Therefore, a meditation that helps you get recentered and one that restores you to a right relationship with conscience might be just what you need."

Hi, this is Dr. Roland Trujillo MS PHD BCPC. I am the author of 11 books on stress management, emotional health, and improving relationship. I've been helping people with life and relationship issues for over 20 years.Just call me Roland
Let me keep it all very simple.

To regain a natural self control and to move forward to better emotional health and improved relationships with others, may I recommend you do 2 things?

Listen to one or two of my 30 minute radio programs. Just go to the archives and pick a title that you find interesting.

Then check out the meditation and look over the resources there.
It's all free. If you don't like it or it's not for you, then you haven't lost anything. But if there are some clues that help you recover - you will have found a valuable resource.
I teach a unique meditation that helps a person become centered and less reactive to pressures. Responding to inner reason instead of outer provocation, the person becomes calmer and begins to exert a positive effect instead of absorbing outer suggestions and tease. It is Roland's belief that we can all be better moms, dads, mates, and citizens when we learn the secret of not getting upset.

Look at it another way. If you could learn to be calm in the moment of stress (without expressing or repressing impatience, anger or upset), you would not add any fuel to the fire. Calmness and reason could be brought to bear, and you might even have a good laugh.

In order to solve your problem, you must learn to have an attitude of alert preparedness. When the moment of stress arrives, you will be ready for it already graced with calmness and understanding. Now, you will have a twinkle in your eye, meeting the moment with understanding. You will now influence the moment instead of the moment influencing you.

The way to be prepared to meet life with understanding is through a proper meditation. This meditation is learning how to go in a room and become still. Basically observing thought instead of being lost in thought.

You had this calm neutral state of mind long ago when you were a little child. Remember how you jumped from bed in the morning ready for a day of discovery, and not bogged down with baggage from the past? But now, we wake up and immediately start worrying, planning, and sometimes dreading things that upset us and we would rather not face awaiting us.

Now can you see why not reacting and getting upset in the first place is so important? When you don't react, you don't form a memory that comes back to haunt you and color and ruin spontaneity in the next similar moment.

So, to recover from our upsets, we need to do two things. One, learn to have an attitude of alert preparedness so that we don't react and form new traumatic memories. Second, we must learn how to deal with the baggage from the past, memories that keep coming back and tapes that keep playing in our mind.

The meditation we offer helps you with both. First by becoming less reactive, you do not form new bad memories. Secondly, you learn how to stand back and observe negative thoughts and emotions without becoming absorbed into those thoughts and reacting (as if the real thing were happening again). In other words, you learn how to not react with upset to external events and how not to react to thoughts (which can also upset).

Through this practice, you will download (so to speak) enough calmness and understanding to meet the day's vicissitudes.

Incidentally, our meditation is available to listen to or download for free, no strings attached.

........Find Out More

Pastor Roland is There for You 24 Hours a Day

2011-09-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

"The guy is amazing. He never gives up. He has a heart for people, especially people on the internet. He is one man whirlwind. You've heard of Playboy After Dark, now this guy has started Christian After Dark for people up at night who need some help with stress, anxiety and worries."
MIke - somewhere in California

"I'm an internet person and I love people on the internet, says Pastor Roland.

Many churches have a webpage. Some even have "volunteers" to answer emails. Finally a Senior Pastor devotes himself to the worldwide web and internet people.

Pastor Roland also knows that many people are up all night and some of them surf the internet. They are looking for answers. They want someone who is there for them - really there for them - not just a faceless webpage or someone at a phone bank.

Now you can visit Pastor Roland at Talk to a Pastor Online and if you are up at night, visit him at Christian After Dark.

Conquer worries, doubts and fears. If you are pacing the floor all night, if you toss and turn, if money and work problems have you tense and worried at night - Pastor Roland has a new website devoted exclusively for night people.

Some people are up at night to work, others because they are studying, and others because they like the night. But some people can't sleep because of worries, doubts, and fear.

Pastor Roland has been helping people with insights and his meditation for over 20 years. He wants to make sure that night people find out about his meditation, and free self help resources for dealing with worries, doubts, and fears.

New! If you are a Christian Night Owl, visit Pastor Roland's new 24 hour Christian After Dark website.

Stress in Marriage - I Get Angry and Resent My Partner -

2011-08-15T19:33:00.000-07:00

Josh and Kaitlin just had another big argument. This time the huge spat was over the toothpaste tube.

Last week they had a big argument over money. Two weeks ago the argument was over whether to have the window open or closed.

Each time she throws everything in his face. He clams up. Nothing is solved. Another layer is added to unfinished business and baggage from the past, which resurfaces the next time they argue.

To the untrained observer, it would appear that the issue was the toothpaste tube, money or the window. But to Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD, not so.

"The toothpaste tube is only the occasion for pent up hostility, suppressed angers and long standing unfinished business to burst forth."

Roland continues: "Here's the rest of the story. Josh comes home from work and sits down in front of the television. Kaitlin had been working all day and taking care of the kids. She feels unappreciated.

Josh can sense that she is angry about something, but he doesn't want to begin a conversation because he knows the dam will break and she will throw a long list of things in his face. So he avoids talking.

Josh stays home in the evening even though his friends want him to play cards with them. He is angry because she does not appreciate his sacrifice. Kaitlin complains that the repair he made in the bathroom is not working so she is going to have to call someone else to do it who knows what they are doing. Josh feels like she does not respect him.

Kaitlin wants to talk. She hopes the maybe when thy go to bed, they can talk like they used to. Josh falls asleep right away. Kaitlin feels unloved.

Kaitlin admits to her friend that she tends to throw everything at him all at once. He probably feels overwhelmed says her friend. I know, says Kaitlin, but I can't help it. I keep trying to get his attention."

And once she does, everything that she has been holding in comes out. Afterwards she feels guilty about it.

Josh tells his friends that he loves his wife, but "she is never satisfied with anything I do." "I'm always wrong."

Soon one or both of them are thinking: "I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of not being appreciated. I'm tired of being the one who has to work on our marriage. I'm tired of always giving in for peace. We have nothing in common. The love is gone."

Here's the bottom line, says Roland. Kaitlin is resentful. And so is Josh. It is the resentment that causes the accumulation of hurt feelings and hostility. The accumulation of upset leads to either exploding in anger or suppressing and clamming up. Neither is healthy.

Resentment washes away reason. Resentment takes away the ability to be reasonable and calm. It leads to frustration and upset. These lead to discouragement, feeling tired, negative thinking, stress and physical symptoms that stress contributes to.

I can help, says Roland. By learning to let go of resentment, you stop upset, frustration, bitterness, discouragement and all the other negative symptoms and feelings. It is also resentment that makes you feel empty.

Roland's practical solutions are based in understanding. "I describe the why of what is happening. I talk about men and women, about how they are different and about the common mistakes we make. Understanding is the answer. And when you become aware of what is really going on and see many good reasons for letting go of resentment, your new understanding will help you feel better and become more joyous and positive.

If your partner also develops understanding, then your relationship can become heaven on earth. If only you become more aware and mature in your understanding, you are still much better off because you will be able to deal gracefully with situations, and spare yourself the upset, frustration and emptiness you now feel.

Another thing, says Roland. Many people know they are resentful and want to give it up, but don't know how. I know how, and I show you.

Other people think that being more forgiving means giving in for peace. But I can show you that it is resentment and guilty that makes you keep quite or give in now. I can show you how to let go of resentment, which frees you up to express yourself and speak up (without resentment).

What I teach should be common knowledge, but you can hardly get these insights anywhere else. Sure there are some good marriage and relationship programs or counseling. The seminar leaders, writer or counselor may be working with bits and pieces of the solution. But I have the whole and I put it all together. With others, you get some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, but I can give yo the complete picture.

It is not for everyone though. Some people just want to hang onto resentment and judgment. And as long as they are unwilling to give them up, they are not ready for understanding. But when they are ready, my teachings are a God sent.

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in pdf. format as a token of our appreciation.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.

Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages of insights and solutions

Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in Pastoral Psychology and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95

Preview and purchase at Kindle! and download to your kindle or mobile device for $9.95

Preview at Scribd and purchase to download to your computer or mobile device for $9.95. Save 33% off paperback

Got a budget? Want to help Pastor Roland? For a donation of any amount, we will send you this 315 page book in pdf. as a token of our appreciation. Click here to look inside or donate to help Roland

Visit my relationships blog for more relationship and marriage repair articles

Talk To a Pastor Online: Christian Books for Help with Stress

2011-08-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

Talk To a Pastor Online: Christian Books for Help with Stress: "We have some great self help books in paperback at Cafe Press . I don't mention them a lot, but I probably should because they contain som..."

I Get Upset Too Easily - Especially with my Partner - Solutions from Online Counselor

2011-07-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

Whether it is anger issues, upset, depression, unhappiness in marriage, PTSD or chronic pain, there is an often overlooked and little understood factor, called resentment, that contributes to, reinforces, and prolongs negative emotions and a host of associated symptoms. Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD has written extensively on this topic, on coping strategies and about taking positive steps to move forward. In this blog, he comments on resentment in marriage and how it exacerbates arguments and hurt feelings.

Josh and Kaitlin just had another big spat. This time the huge argument was over the toothpaste tube.

Last week they had a big argument over money. Two weeks ago the argument was over whether to have the window open or closed.

Each time she throws everything in his face. He clams up. Nothing is solved. Another layer is added to unfinished business and baggage from the past, which resurfaces the next time they argue.

To the untrained observer, it would appear that the issue was the toothpaste tube, money or the window. But to Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD, not so.

"The toothpaste tube is only the occasion for pent up hostility, suppressed angers and long standing unfinished business to burst forth."

Roland continues: "Here's the rest of the story. Josh comes home from work and sits down in front of the television. Kaitlin had been working all day and taking care of the kids. She feels unappreciated.

Josh can sense that she is angry about something, but he doesn't want to begin a conversation because he knows the dam will break and she will throw a long list of things in his face. So he avoids talking.

Josh stays home in the evening even though his friends want him to play cards with them. He is angry because she does not appreciate his sacrifice. Kaitlin complains that the repair he made in the bathroom is not working so she is going to have to call someone else to do it who knows what they are doing. Josh feels like she does not respect him.

Kaitlin wants to talk. She hopes the maybe when thy go to bed, they can talk like they used to. Josh falls asleep right away. Kaitlin feels unloved.

Kaitlin admits to her friend that she tends to throw everything at him all at once. He probably feels overwhelmed says her friend. I know, says Kaitlin, but I can't help it. I keep trying to get his attention."

And once she does, everything that she has been holding in comes out. Afterwards she feels guilty about it.

Josh tells his friends that he loves his wife, but "she is never satisfied with anything I do." "I'm always wrong."

Soon one or both of them are thinking: "I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of not being appreciated. I'm tired of being the one who has to work on our marriage. I'm tired of always giving in for peace. We have nothing in common. The love is gone."

Here's the bottom line, says Roland. Kaitlin is resentful. And so is Josh. It is the resentment that causes the accumulation of hurt feelings and hostility. The accumulation of upset leads to either exploding in anger or suppressing and clamming up. Neither is healthy.

Resentment washes away reason. Resentment takes away the ability to be reasonable and calm. It leads to frustration and upset. These lead to discouragement, feeling tired, negative thinking, stress and physical symptoms that stress contributes to.

I can help, says Roland. By learning to let go of resentment, you stop feeding upset, frustration, bitterness, discouragement that contribute to further negative symptoms and feelings. It is also resentment that makes you feel empty, inferior, unfulfilled and unloved.

Roland's practical solutions are based in understanding. "I describe the why of what is happening. I talk about men and women, about how they are different and about how we can more easily appreciate our differences when the resentment factor is removed.

Understanding is the answer--when you become aware of what is really going on and see many good reasons for letting go of resentment, your new understanding will help you feel better and become more joyous and positive.

If your partner also develops understanding, then your relationship can become heaven on earth. If only you become more aware and mature in your understanding, you are still much better off because you will be able to deal gracefully with situations, and spare yourself the upset, frustration and emptiness you now feel.

Another thing, says Roland. Many people know they are resentful and want to give it up, but don't know how. I know how, and I show you.

Other people think that being more forgiving means giving in for peace. But I can show you that it is resentment and guilt that makes you keep quiet or give in now. I can show you how to let go of resentment, which frees you up to express yourself and speak up (without resentment).

What I teach should be common knowledge, but you can hardly get these insights anywhere else. Sure there are some good marriage and relationship programs or counseling. The seminar leaders, writer or counselor may be working with bits and pieces of the solution. But I have the whole and I put it all together. With others, you get some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, but I can give yo the complete picture.

It is not for everyone though. Some people just want to hang onto resentment and judgment. And as long as they are unwilling to give them up, they are not ready for understanding. But when they are ready, my teachings are a God sent.

____________________

Hello, my name is Roland and I am a pastor. I've been on the radio for almost 22 years, both secular stations and Christian stations around the country.

I get a lot of questions about relationships and marriage--probably most of the questions I get. A couple of years ago I wrote a book about marriage. It was excellent, but I wanted to take it to the next level.

I think that The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage really does fulfill my expectations. I wanted a book that is about marriage, and even though I am conservative and traditional, I wanted the book to be inclusive. And it is.

People who are in long term or short term relationships will enjoy and benefit from my book. I talk about some of the deep aspects of marriage, and I can explain why so many relationships have issues.

I also wanted at talk about dating and courtship (there is a difference), and why I favor courtship.

I wanted a book for ladies who are working on their relationship. But I also wanted it to be a book that men, especially thoughtful men who want to be good husbands and fathers, will feel comfortable with.

I wanted a book that is serious--a serious book about a serious and important topic. But I also wanted it to be fun--a good read--and even funny in parts.

Finally I wanted to write a book that can be read again and again. Each time getting some new insight. Or a book that a young man or lady who is just married, and issues develop, can reach for and turn to the chapter on the issue, and get some insights and solutions.

I believe that this is the book.

Your friend, Pastor Roland

Product Description

Why do couples argue? How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage? How can we communicate better? I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not. What is the difference between courtship and casual dating? My wife asked me to leave. Why are men the way we are? What does my wife want? Can we reconcile? How about sex? My wife cheated on me –now what? Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio, this is the courtship, marriage and relationship repair handbook you have been waiting for. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.

About the Author

Roland Trujillo, lecturer, marriage coach, author, radio host, husband and dad, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.
Product Details

Paperback: 318 pages
ISBN-10: 1463663706
ISBN-13: 978-1463663704Here it is. The book you have been waiting for.

Written by Pastor Roland and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your
God Given Instincts
10
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95

Preview at Scribd and purchase to download to your computer or mobile device for $9.95. Save 33% off paperback

Got a budget? Want to help Pastor Roland? For a donation of $5.00 we will send you this 315 page book in pdf. as a token of our appreciation. Click here to look inside or donate to help Roland

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Talk To a Pastor Online: Victory over PTSD and Negative Emotions - A Senio...

2011-05-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

Talk To a Pastor Online: Victory over PTSD and Negative Emotions - A Senio...: "My name is Roland and I am a pastor. I have a take on PTSD, depression, anger, and emotional issues. I see that, for the most part, these..."

Talk To a Pastor Online: PTSD and Christianity - Reading Recommendations a...

2011-05-29T19:04:00.000-07:00

Talk To a Pastor Online: PTSD and Christianity - Reading Recommendations a...: "'Hey, why you listenin to some dude who never did nothin. You wanna play basketball, read Michael Jordan or Larry Bird. You talkin PTSD, don..."

Talk To a Pastor Online: Don't Let Financial Troubles Harm Your Marriage or...

2011-04-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

Talk To a Pastor Online: Don't Let Financial Troubles Harm Your Marriage or...: "Financial crisis does not have to lead to family crisis. Economic troubles don't have to result in relationship or health problems. You ..."

Online Pastor Adds Free Customer Service!

2011-01-29T13:02:00.000-08:00

Need some help dealing with stress, with emotions, calming down, and gaining self control?

Thinking about getting some feedback or advice online but still have some questions or concerns?

Roland has added LiveHelp --chat or email a customer service person. Click here and look for the chat link in the right column.

If your issue is about relationships: partner, wife, husband, family, or parents,

then click here and look for the chat link.

How I Overcame Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Social Phobia, Bipolar Disorder and Dysthymia: Mike's Story

2010-10-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

This is part 1 of an 11 part series. Mike tells his life story. He overcame obsessive compulsive disorder and bipolar disorder. I hope someone will be inspired by Mike. All I can say is "Thanks, Mike." Roland

Hello, my name is Michael.

I love this verse from the Psalms.

He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.
Psalm 112:7 (English Standard Version).

It sounds good, doesn't it? But the question is: how do you get to where you have such a firm heart and settled spirit?

It took me a long time to get to where I could understand and say something about having a firm heart and settled spirit. I had always been Mr. Jellyfish.

But here’s the good news: if I can do it, anyone can do it. It took me 40 years, but that was because it took 40 years for me to get to the point where I was ready. Once you’re ready, recovery can begin in a heartbeat.

And it doesn’t have to take 40 years to be ready. (I was stubborn in my pridefulness and denial). You can be ready in this instant regardless of your age, if your heart is pure and you are sincere.

Here's my story. Let's begin with a few thoughts about anxiety and some observations about life and how I started to recover.

When you are in a tight golf match and it's the 18th hole and you have to make a knee knocking three foot putt, what do you do? You suck it up, get a bucket full of guts, and even though your knees are knocking, you make the putt.

What do you do when you're in a tough basketball game in the last minute of the game and you come to the free throw line? You throw up the free throws. You don't cut and run, take a drug or a pill.

John Wayne put it this way when he was asked "what do you do when you have to go and face great danger?" He said: "You're scared to death, but you get on your horse and ride anyway."

The ideal, of course, is to have great faith. And with it, love. Paul said: "Perfect love casts out fear." Few of us have faith. We don't even know what faith or love is.

But there is still hope that we might develop them. Abraham became a man of faith. When he was younger, he hedged his bets and didn't trust completely in what God told him. But he grew in faith. Perhaps you can grow in faith and in love too.

I have discovered that the secret to life is in overlooking. You have anxiety, but overlook it. In other words, instead of struggling with, suppressing or trying to get rid of the anxiety, you overlook it. Someone makes a mistake, but you overlook it (instead of judging or resenting them). You have doubts, but you overlook them (instead of dwelling on them). You feel anger (at your child, for example), but you overlook it (and remain calm).

There are many good things I could say about overlooking. How it helps us overcome anxiety, doubts, fears, negative emotion; and how it helps us be more patient with others. But for now, I will mention it in passing. Later I will talk about the meditation (that Roland offers) and how it helps you learn to overlook.

But I don't want to get ahead of myself. First I want to talk about how we got into the mess we are in, and how I was able to recover fully. Before I have any credibility with you, I need to establish that I had a multitude of issues, got past them, and now they are in the distant past and no longer important (other than being able to use them to help others).

In plain and simple terms, some of us just haven't had a chance to build up some courage or chutzpa. We have been robbed of the kind of experiences where we could develop it.

But we can start to build some now, by using the overlook principle I alluded to. We can be just like John Wayne said--scared to death but we ride anyway.

Once you realize that you have been denied character building experiences (through being kept from them or from not being taught how to not over react), you can stop beating yourself up. Instead you can simply admit you don't have certain virtues built yet, but you can start to do some things anyway. By overlooking the fear or anxiety.

You will also discover that kindness, fortitude, endurance, graciousness, and patience are ready to unfold when you let go of resentment. We tend to resent the type of circumstances where we looked bad or failed in the past. If you can learn to approach the new circumstance without resentment, then experience the anxiety (without resenting it), you will be then free to meet the moment with some aplomb. Now having met the moment properly, you will be able to meet the next one ever more easily and without resentment. Anxiety will diminish.

You will discover that there is joy and a sense of triumph in meeting a moment properly. Even if you don't "win" or handle it perfectly, there is joy in meeting it without resentment and with a certain amount of dignity.

Realize that in a therapeutic culture in which we live, all the signals and messages we get are that the values in life are:
having a good time;
feeling good;
being nice;
feeling good about ourselves;
and having our needs met.

Most people around us--including our parents, grandparents, educators, church leaders, and most other authorities--seem to have the value of always seeking to feel good and never bad. At the first sign of a headache, they take a pill. At the first sign of the slightest ache or pain, they reach for a pill or some other medication.

They seek to feel good using music, pills, entertainment or even religious events for the purpose of feeling good. One person listens to classical music and another to rap music to feel good; one listens to high sounding speeches and another to low brow humor, either way it's for the purpose of feeling good. Not to mention those who feel good by self medicating with alcohol or marijuana.

Instead of living and teaching the value of doing what is right and overlooking anxiety or negative emotion, they first seek to get rid of the anxiety or negative emotion. This is putting the cart before the horse. We triumph as humans when we overcome anxiety or negative emotions through doing what is right and being virtuous.

The noble person does not wait until he feels good or feels brave to do his or her duty. The noble person does his duty or what is right, and in the exercise thereof develops courage. Courage, well being, peace of mind and joy are the rewards for doing what is right.

So when life brings a little rain, and young people are not having a good time or do not feel good about themselves, they tell their parent or counselor. Instead of getting the wisdom of the ages or the kind of understanding an uncle or grandma once had, they are referred to someone who prescribes a drug.

The focus is rarely on duty or on helping others. Moreover, as we said, most young people are deprived of useful work that would make them feel needed, valuable and other directed.

The focus is always on them, specifically performance: that they achieve, that they do well on tests, study more, get higher grades, be more compliant, and so on. Otherwise the focus is on being popular, having a good time, and feeling good about oneself.

With all this constant attention directed at them (not to mention all the advertising, peer group pressure, and pop culture which is designed to make them self conscious about looks, dress, habits and attitudes that have to be like their peers), it is no wonder that such a person would become overly self conscious and overly concerned about feelings. They've been let down by their parents and other authorities who failed to protect them and guide them properly.

The man or woman of faith and perfect love will one day face challenging situations without any feelings at all. He or she will be fearless in the face of danger; without resentment in the face of torment; and without excitement in the face of temptation. Instead there will be faith, love, dedication, obedience, patience, joy, and peace of mind.

But like I said, this type of spirituality is something we might grow into. It could take many years of just being a regular person, growing up, making some mistakes, getting married, raising a family, having some ups and downs until one begins to yearn for something more. This sincere yearning will stress the compassion of the Spirit.

Those who are blessed to one day have this salvation implemented in their life will then gain objectivity (the ability to stand back and overlook) and then it might take another 40 years of growth in this new life to become the man or woman of faith and true love. Remember it took 80 years for Moses to be made ready to lead his people out of Egypt.

So you might as well be prepared for a long period of just being a regular person. But you can start to get ready for the touch of God which may come someday by living with some dignity, some honor, some self control, some discipline where you are right now.

And by exercising virtue, it will grow, and you will increase in composure and self control. No, you won't walk on water--but by exercising virtue, you'll begin to face things with at least a modicum of natural poise, and it will grow.

Therefore do not mind it if you encounter some difficulty. Do not become resentful if you have some ups and downs, some rain on your parade, a boyfriend or girlfriend who quits you, a job you don't get, a day when you don't feel particularly good or some anxiety if you have to give a speech.

And while you are at it, expect betrayal, people saying mean things about you for no reason, and so on. That way you won't be shocked and upset when it happens.

And don't expect to meet every little or big adversity well. You won't. At least not at first. Remember I said that most of us have been denied character building experiences? If you are like lots of us, you'll have to start at the ground floor facing little things (with trembling and discomfort) and a little at a time.

So you'll have to start now where you are at. And it doesn't matter where that is.

Have you heard the Zen master's question? He asked the novice "when is the best time to plant a tree? the novice did not know. The Zen master said: The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago.
Next the Zen Master asked: "When is the second best time?"
The answer is: "today."

So start to face some things today. And like I said, don't expect to get it just right from the start. Take it easy. Rome wasn't built in a day. Don't look for perfection. Look for progress. And here's a word of caution: start with the small stuff.

Remember how I said that we have been made self conscious in many ways? Okay. So don't hate yourself if you meet a moment badly. In my life, I've messed up, made a fool of myself, cut and run, let my team down, copped out, and many other small but shameful failings. I failed and then reacted badly to what I was forced to see about myself.

But as time went by (as years went by) I learned to fail less. And I also learned to react badly less to my failings. In other words, I began to grow up, and I'm still growing up.

I'm 60ish now. When I was 10, 15, 20, 30 years old, did I have anxiety? Of course. Did I get depressed? Of course.

When my parents got divorced, it bothered me. When my dad died, it made me sad. When my parakeet died, I felt bad. What was I supposed to do, be happy about these things? I grieved and felt hurt and then I got over it.

When I was a little kid, did I go through a spell where I had to do a ritual of counting numbers or arrange my shoes perfectly at night or else "something really bad would happen?" Of course. Then I grew out of it.

When I was in college, was I high and hyper when something good happened and stayed up till dawn talking to my friends? Then did I crash when a bunch of things went wrong? Naturally.

When I was in my 20's did I wonder who I was and if there was a future for me? Did I mess up, and make mistakes? Sure.

And then did something try to tell me I was "worthless" and that "the world would be better off without me?" Of course.

When I was 30 and sitting in a lonely apartment in the outskirts of Chicago, with the snow coming down and nowhere to go and wishing I were back in California, did I feel depressed? Of course.

But here I am. I got through.

My recovery was two part. First it was just growing out of issues. It seems like each stage of our life--little kid, big kid, teenager, college age, 20's, 30's--there are some typical issues to deal with. The old expression "time heals all wounds" definitely applies. Somehow I just grew out of things.

Like when I was a kid, teen, and in my 20's I was painfully shy. But then when I was in my 30's I was teaching college classes, and now I feel comfortable around everyone and talk about anything. And it's fun. Okay, so it took a few years to get over it. But I did get over it.

So we grow, we mature, we leave behind the things of childhood--including issues. We move on. It's a long process and it's life.

There is a term in psychotherapy call normalizing. It means helping a person see that some anxiety (or whatever that they are going through) is what a lot of people experience. Some people think that if they are anxious, hear voices, have obsessive thoughts, or have a compulsion, they are the only person in the whole world with this issue.

It's a relief to find out that lots of people have the same issues and lots of people get better.

I'm extending my hand in friendship to talk about some of the things I have been blessed to learn along the way in my spiritual walk.

Now I can truly say (having experienced it): "this too shall pass."

Now I understand what James meant when he said:

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
James 1:2 and 3 (English Standard version).
.
Do you see it? Do you see that we must not avoid life or the circumstances where we failed? Learn to stand back and overlook, and now these situations will become the ground for the development of character and by which you can undo the past.

Let me just say right here that the spiritual meditation to calm down that Roland offers free was a big help to me. I highly recommend it, since it assists in calming down, and in finding objectivity so as to be able to stand back and observe thoughts and emotions without over reacting to what you see.

This brings me to part two of my recovery program. I told you about part one, where I got through the various typical issues I faced at different stages. But then came the life changing, game changing discovery. I took me four decades to get to the point where I was ready. But when I was finally ready, it happened in a heartbeat and within a few days I was a new person.

I'll tell you about it in Part Two

Michael

Read Part Two to find out how a few people along the way, a library
card and a radio kept Mike hanging in there until he outgrew his OCD, depression, bipolar, and social phobia.

The Secret To Managing Anger

2010-03-12T08:27:00.000-08:00

Let's face it: 99.9% of us get angry too easily. We mask our anger with a smile, or perhaps we repress it and walk away. But we are angry. In fact, suppressed rage is one of the biggest emotional factors contributing to health issues.

Another thing we do is find a euphemism to describe our anger: we say we are "upset, nervous, tired, or disappointed." In marriage, years of suppressed anger can result in someone "suddenly" saying: "I need to find myself or I've changed. " What they really mean is I'm resentful. In other words, sadly, "I'm harboring secret hatred and judgment toward you."

Now let's get to the bottom line: if you have a problem with alcohol, drugs, food, or any other addiction, most likely it is a direct result of anger. How so?

When we are angry, we need something to distract us from the guilt and soothe our hurting and frustrated ego. We need something to take away the pent up hostility and drain us of tension.
.
Some people work off their hostility (which has its own problems). Many turn to booze, drugs, marijuana, or food. You see, when we become angry and full of rage, we become an animal. The beautiful human qualities of graciousness, kindness, reasonableness, and magnanimity go out the window.

Some of us are even more sneaky about our anger. We are secretly judgmental and resentful at others (especially our husband or wife). Sometimes we are even clever at making the other wrong and then hating the other with a superior hate. It's easy to upset your husband with little teases, nagging, insinuation, or confusion. He eventually becomes angry and then you can secretly hate him, judging his anger and failing.

It's easy to be cruel to our children, blaming and dumping on them until they become angry and express their anger. Being without the advanced manipulative skill that the adult has, the child is foolish and clumsy in expressing his anger. This permits the parent to up the ante and punish the child.
.
But anger, impatience, secret hostility and judgment bring condemnation from conscience. And conflict with conscience brings pain and a need for comfort. Again, the person turns for comfort to food , drugs, alcohol or anything else that will "save" them from conscience.
.
I am trying to make you aware that anger is the result of resentment and judgmen. While it is true that your spouse or coworkers may be imperfect, even irritating, if you really had love, you would not resent them. The truly human person has patience. This patience comes from not having judged in the first place.

Someone once said that when we are wronged we cry out for judgment. But when we wrong another, we cry out for mercy. As long as you are angry or resentful, you won't even see your own rudeness and inconsideration toward others. You are too busy judging others to see your own fault.

Recovery from food, drug, or other addictions means seeing, really seeing why you needed the false comfort of drugs or the misuse of food in the first place. If you were not angry and upset in the first place, you would not need comfort and tension relief in the second place.
.
And if you did not form secret judgments in the first place, you would not become angry in the second place. If you were not playing God, and easily frustrated and angered when your will is not done, you would not become tense and needy of lowly comforts.

The problem now is undoubtedly that your wrong self craves and cries out for the false comfort and false deliverance of lowly things we have mentioned. You have fallen to become a creature that now craves the drugs and false comforts.

Change begins not with struggling with your lower nature and its lowly needs, but being able to stand back so that you can be objective to the lower self. By now you know that struggling with your own lower self, using anger, is just more of the wrong way of dealing with things that got you in trouble in the first place.

But I'm not telling you anything that you didn't already know.

You know that anger and secret hostility, even suppressed rage, are the cause of your needing alcohol, drugs or some other comfort. But then your comfort becomes a problem!

The question is what to do about your anger. That's where I can help. I know that behind the anger is resentment. And also just being too upset.

Resentment is the number one cause of anger. And once you become resentful over something, then negative emotions follow. Soon, through conditioning, you become upset and easily upset all the time. Ulcer or headache anyone?

Like I said--usually there is a good reason to become resentful in the first place, and angry. It is injustice. Beginning when you are a little kids, there are people pressuring you, nagging you, teasing you, and doing bad things to upset you.

But here is the secret. You must learn how to observe wrong and error without becoming resentful over what you see. You do not have to like the injustice. You don't even have to like another person. Just don't resent them.

Does this mean just clamming up and letting injustice prevail? No, of course not. The secret is to see the injustice, not become upset or resentful, and then, if appropriate, speak up about it.

What makes most of us into wimps is our resentment, for which we feel angry, and our upset. We feel guilty and we fear another round of upset, so we say nothing.

Learn the secret of not becoming resentful in the first place.

I can help. I've written 10 books on the topic of conquering stress and overcoming negative emotions. Start by checking out my meditation, which is designed to help you calm down.
Listen to some of my radio programs, free, where I talk about anger management all the time.

_____________________________________________

Advanced concepts

If you are ready to drop pride and be sorry for your excuses and judgments, and if you are ready to admit your wrong, then suddenly the proper meditation will work for you. You will be given the power to stand back and observe what is wrong with you without being involved in it. The power of observation is sufficient to begin a change for the better.

You will discover that you have the power to observe the wrong without becoming upset by what you see. And with no more emotion added, reason and patience come to the fore. You will have the power to observe and to get better without any effort on your part. It will be a gift to you for being patient with others. And when you are patient with others, you will also be able to be patient with yourself.
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Once you reconnect to conscience and intuition, and once you are repented and experience a profound regret, you become a friend of truth, a friend of conscience, and a friend of God.

Suddenly conscience becomes intuition again--a welcome friend and presence we wish to walk with--not something to run from and avoid.

And when you are a friend of conscience and humbled, suddenly you no longer become tense in the first place or angry in the first place. Without the build up of tension, there is no need for unnatural relief. Suddenly you enjoy seeing the truth instead of wanting to run from it. And you become incompatible with the old consciousness lowering activities.

Read about the meditation now

Listen to the free meditation now

Read more about anger and regaining control using meditation

How Do I Stop Being Nervous

2009-11-30T18:27:00.000-08:00

You’ve heard it before: it’s not so much what happens to you that hurts you but how you react to it. Trouble is, most of us don’t know how not to over-react.

Basically we react, we get upset, and we experience stress symptoms. And once we start over-reacting, we don’t know how to stop over-reacting.

The more we react, the more sensitive we become until we start reacting over every little thing. Either that, or we become insensitive and shut down.

Remember how you used to be? Once upon a time, you were able to take things reasonably and in stride. Although things happened that you didn’t like, and people were sometimes mean or confusing, you could cope.

How Do I Stop Being Irritable

2009-08-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

You’ve heard it before: it’s not so much what happens to you that hurts you but how you react to it. Trouble is, most of us don’t know how not to over-react.

Basically we react, we get upset, and we experience stress symptoms. And once we start over-reacting, we don’t know how to stop over-reacting.

The more we react, the more sensitive we become until we start reacting over every little thing. Either that, or we become insensitive and shut down.

Remember how you used to be? Once upon a time, you were able to take things reasonably and in stride. Although things happened that you didn’t like, and people were sometimes mean or confusing, you could cope. You had hope for the future, dreams of things you wanted to accomplish, and were confident that you could deal with what life threw your way.

But as the years went by, you began to lose your joie de vivre, your verve and your optimism. Someone upset you. And from that point on it was trying to play catch up.

Life, for many of us, started to become a drag. Many of us began to dread going to work or facing our child’s school teacher. We dreaded another round of treatments, another mailbox full of bills, or another argument with our spouse.

We might have started to become irritable, snapping at our kids and loved ones. At work or out in the world, we encountered unfairness, meanness or arrogance. We became upset and said nothing. But then we came home and took it out on our family—the very ones we should have been kindest to. Instead of protecting them from the craziness out there, it started to get to us and we brought the craziness home and inflicted it and our pain on our loved ones. The very ones who were the most innocent.

If any of this describes you, then you must realize that your sensitivity, negativity, and loss of control have to do with over-reacting. By over-reacting you make things into a stress. And when it becomes a stress, a predicable series of bodily changes occur as your body reacts to the stress (you created).

In order to recover your poise and positive state of mind, you must re-find your own calm center of dignity from which you can flow.
. . . . . .Read more

How Do I Forgive Myself

2009-05-26T18:47:00.001-07:00

The short answer is: when you get over your bout of emotions and stop resenting having to see your own wrong.

When you can look at your own behavior rationally and without resentment, you will be able to calmly admit any error you might have made.

Then you will be able to do as it says in the prayer:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Until you can look calmly at your part in what went wrong, any mea culpas or self blame are mostly crocodile tears. For the most part, our confessions and self flagellation are just another ego trip. In other words, our sorrow is not sincere. Truthfully, what we don't like is being found out.

Most people have a big ego, and we resent having to admit our own wrong. We resent even more having to observe our wrong or have others see it.

One person will beat himself up for missing a golf putt. Another will get upset at herself for burning one of her party dishes. Another will resent himself for having used a bad word. Another will get angry at herself for not getting an A on a test.

Yet, none of these things are "wrong." Just a normal human mistakes (no one is perfect!), or perhaps a little foolish--but not wrong.
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Yet a person can judge (and not forgive) himself or herself over them. It often stems from struggling with trips and negative suggestions that were layed on us when we were kids. I can tell you right now how to be free from them.

Let go of resentment. Any resentment--whether of the comments, suggestions, toward yourself, of the other person--sustains the holde the past has over you.

Let go of resentment. We all know we are supposed to be more forgiving. But no one has shown you how. I'm showing you how. Get our meditation (free to download and listen to), and practice standing back from thoughts and feelings.

Then, with your new objective persepective, watch for resentment. When you see it rising, put a little distance between yourself and it, and let it pass (instead of indulging it).

It is that simple.

We have all the free resources available to transform your life within a very short time. On our meditation page, you will find the meditation, the accompanying booklet, articles to read, a free lecture, and a 60 book on conquering stresss. All free. Now the ball is in your court.

Get the free meditation

Find out more about the meditation

Listen to Roland discuss forgiveness, self control and finding peace of mind on his Southern California radio program

Preview free at scribd Conquering Stress and its Symptoms

For a donation of any amount get one of Roland's ebooks on forgiveness and stress management as our gift

Can you see that being angry at oneself for anything (even netting a tennis serve) is the beginning of denial? It means that the person is unwilling to accept the truth. Blame, and self blame, are ways of avoiding just plain open eyed seeing of reality.

Blaming oneself is also a way of rising above conscience: as if we were God condemning ourselves. It's kind of silly really. It's prideful and self destructive.

Okay. So some of us have done some truly rotten things--like cheating. lying, stealing, and so on. Once again, blaming and judging and condemning oneself is just a way of saving pride. By proactively condemning ourselves, we can thus seemingly rise above conscience. This is really silly. And it is also harmful because we thereby block God's healing grace. So do me a big favor, and don't resent or condemn yourself anymore.

Let God deal with your sin. Let Him repent you in His own time and space. And if He doesn't, then just be sorry and go on with your life. Le the past go. Live from this moment on. You cannot change the past, but you can live properly from now on.

And if you mess up again today, then just see that you messed up. Say: "God, I can't keep brow beating myself. I messed up again. You are going to have to deal with me." No use crying crocodile tears for God or anyone else. Wash your face, comb your hair and do your duty.
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This is particularly true when someone cannot let go of something from the past. I can name at least two well known golf professionals who were bested at the end of a tournament or who missed what would have been the winning putt, and were never the same again. We've all known people who can't let go of something. We see that it is dysfunctional. We see that it is foolish and self destructive. Yet, most of us are guilty of not letting go of something.
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When we can't let go of something, it is because our ego takes it personally and is resentful. It just can't or won't admit the truth. Especially when accepting the truth means admitting something.

Often that something is some error or foolishness on our part that contributed to it; or something the past event means. As kids, we might have been rejected, missed out on opportunities, or lost something. So the past event might mean, for example, something like: "God hates me, I'm unlucky, I'm cursed, I can't get anything right, no matter how hard I try something always goes wrong. "
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It is important that we learn how to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, shrug our shoulders, and move on with our life. Letting it go means it is over, done, fini, the past is the past. Now, on with the show! Sometimes there is a lesson to be learned; if so, we learn the lesson and take our fall in stride.

But most of us harbor a grudge or something that sticks in our craw. Often what we don't want to admit or see is kind of true and kind of untrue at the same time.

For example, it may be true that the sports player choked and was overcome by nerves or negative programming; but on the other hand, it could just be the bounce of the ball. Besides it happens to everyone.

We can't always get the job, make the putt, sink the basket, win the match, get the job, or whatever. So we have to let it go.

Other times, what is sticking in our craw is totally untrue. It is not true that God hates us. Yet, for some people, when anything goes wrong, that's what it means to them.
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What is it that sustains the denial, the inability to let something go? In a nutshell, resentment.

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Resentment is the sustaining emotion. Let go of the resentment, and the suggestion (true or false, partially true, or partially false, whatever) will lose its sustaining force.
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Resentment means to feel again. We keep resenting because our ego is able to chew the cud, so to speak. We wallow in self loathing, self pity or mulling over the injustice. The emotion of resentment offers a bizarre negative comfort to our ego. It sustains pride, even when it means self destruction.
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Therefore, the answer to why can't I forgive myself boils down to seeing your resentment and being willing to give it up.

Most of us have been subjected to negative programming when we were younger: what people did, said, implied, or what we misinterpreted became something that we resented. And the resentment is now what is sustaining the negative programming.

Whenever a situation arises that reminds of something from the past that had a negative suggestion associated with it we make the mistake of resenting the memory, the suggestion or the circumstance.
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But please note: it is being resented in the present. And thus it comes to life in the present and colors the present.
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Therefore if you can resist the temptation to resent it, you will starve it of energy.

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Also note: it doesn't matter if you resent the idea, the memory, the situation, another person OR YOURSELF--any resentment keeps the programming going and takes away your freedom.
Let go of the resentment, and you will be free.

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And when the dominant negative idea no longer has you captive, you will be free to see the truth, realize understanding and compassion, see the big picture, and FORGIVE YOURSELF.

For assistance in giving up resentment, visit our virtual home for articles, blogs, and meditation resources.

Now the somewhat longer answer. We can drop resentment, we can stop denying the truth or resenting what something means or what we think it means.

But in a broader sense, we cannot forgive ourselves. Only God can forgive each of us.

You see, conflict with conscience is really conflict with God. Being sorry before conscience means that God is making us aware of some error on our part. Being sorry in our heart is a wonderful blessed moment, because it means that God is repenting us.

Forgiving or not forgiving ourselves are just two sides of the egotistical coin. Yes, we are all born egotistical. But as we mature, we should begin to outgrow our selfishness. And for some people, the second half of life is a gradual turning to our Creator and seeking His good graces.

While we are on the subject, let me also mention that we should not ask others to forgive us. It is good to apologize to another for some wrong we did them. It clears the air and makes it easy for them to drop any grudge against us. But if we say "Oh, can you ever forgive me?" we are casting them in the role of God and tempting them to play God.

If you did someone wrong, your responsibility to to admit your wrong, be sorry and apologize. But whether they forgive you or not is none of your concern. If they forgive you it is good for them. If they don't, too bad.

God does not hate you if you did something wrong. What he wants is for you to admit it in your heart and quietly be sorry. This is between you and Him, between your soul and its Maker.

If you don't feel sorry for something, then just see that you don't feel sorry.

Don't cry crocodile tears and put on a show for God. Just live on as best you can and wait to be repented.Notice how I said it: wait to be repented. The inner light from God--what we know in our heart-- (which we call intuition or conscience) will make you aware of what you need to be aware of.

Your only responsibility is to be willing to know the truth and be willing to admit you are wrong.

Who can forget the wonderful movie Robin Hood starring the dashing handsome Errol Flynn and the beautiful Olivia DeHavilland? While the good King Richard...........

How Do I Stop Being Angry All the Time?

2009-04-09T08:58:00.000-07:00

Let's face it: 99.9% of us get angry too easily. We mask our anger with a smile, or perhaps we repress it and walk away. But we are angry. In fact, suppressed rage is one of the biggest emotional factors contributing to health issues.

Some say I'm not angry, but how about "irritated, exasperated, or peeved?"

Scroll down to read Dr. Trujillo's 2012 update and invitation to move forward to success coping and regaining emotional control.

Another thing we do is find a euphemism to describe our anger: we say we are "upset, nervous, tired, or disappointed." In marriage, years of suppressed anger can result in someone "suddenly" saying: "I need to find myself or I've changed. " What they really mean is "I'm resentful. In other words, sadly, "I'm harboring secret hatred and judgment toward you." Read about stress in marriage

Now let's get to the bottom line: if you have a problem with alcohol, drugs, food, or any other addiction, most likely it is a direct result of anger. How so?

When we are angry, we need something to distract us from the guilt and soothe our hurting and frustrated ego. We need something to take away the pent up hostility and drain us of tension.
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Some people work off their hostility (which has its own problems). Many turn to booze, drugs, marijuana, or food. You see, when we become angry and full of rage, we become an animal. The beautiful human qualities of graciousness, kindness, reasonableness, and magnanimity go out the window.

Some of us are even more sneaky about our anger. We are secretly judgmental and resentful at others (especially our husband or wife). Sometimes we are even clever at making the other wrong and then hating the other with a superior hate. It's easy to upset your husband with little teases, nagging, insinuation, or confusion. He eventually becomes angry and then you can secretly hate him, judging his anger and failing.

It's easy to be bossy with our children, blaming and dumping on them until they become angry and express their anger. Being without the advanced manipulative skill that the adult has, the child is foolish and clumsy in expressing his anger. This permits the parent to up the ante and punish the child.
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But anger, impatience, secret hostility and judgment bring condemnation from conscience. And conflict with conscience brings pain and a need for comfort. Again, the person turns for comfort to food , drugs, alcohol or anything else that will "save" them from conscience.
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I am trying to make you aware that anger and irritation are the result of resentment and judgment. While it is true that your spouse or coworkers may be imperfect, even irritating, if you really had love, you would not resent them. The truly human person has patience. This patience comes from not having judged in the first place.

Someone once said that when we are wronged we cry out for judgment. But when we wrong another, we cry out for mercy. As long as you are angry or resentful, you won't even see your own rudeness and inconsideration toward others. You are too busy judging others to see your own fault.

Recovery from food, drug, or other addictions means seeing, really seeing why you needed the false comfort of drugs or the misuse of food in the first place. If you were not angry and upset in the first place, you would not need comfort and tension relief in the second place.
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And if you did not form secret judgments in the first place, you would not become angry in the second place. If you were not playing God, and easily frustrated and angered when your will is not done, you would not become tense and needy of lowly comforts.

The problem now is undoubtedly that your wrong self craves and cries out for the false comfort and false deliverance of lowly things we have mentioned. You have fallen to become a creature that now craves the drugs and false comforts.

Change begins not with struggling with your lower nature and its lowly needs, but being able to stand back so that you can be objective to the lower self. By now you know that struggling with your own lower self, using anger, is just more of the wrong way of dealing with things that got you in trouble in the first place.

But I'm not telling you anything that you didn't already know.

You know that anger and secret hostility, even suppressed rage, are the cause of your needing alcohol, drugs or some other comfort. But then your comfort becomes a problem! You sense that being irritated is harming your health, your peace of mind and your relationships

The question is what to do about your anger. That's where I can help. I know that behind the anger is resentment. And resentment is also the basis for being irritated or just being too upset.

Resentment is the number one cause of anger. And once you become resentful over something, then negative emotions follow. Soon, through conditioning, you become upset and easily upset all the time. Ulcer or headache anyone?

Like I said--usually there is a good reason to become resentful in the first place, and angry. It is injustice. Beginning when you are a little kids, there are people pressuring you, nagging you, teasing you, and doing bad things to upset you.

But here is the secret. You must learn how to observe wrong and error without becoming resentful over what you see. You do not have to like the injustice. You don't even have to like another person. Just don't resent them.

Does this mean just clamming up and letting injustice prevail? No, of course not. The secret is to see the injustice, not become upset or resentful, and then, if appropriate, speak up about it.

What makes most of us into wimps is our resentment, for which we feel angry, and our upset. We feel guilty and we fear another round of upset, so we say nothing.

Learn the secret of not becoming resentful in the first place.

I can help. I've written 12 books on the topic of conquering stress and overcoming negative emotions. Start by checking out my meditation, which is designed to help you calm down.
Listen to some of my radio programs, free, where I talk about anger management all the time.

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Advanced concepts

Hello, I am a PhD. and pastoral counselor.

Many people are out of control emotionally. This loss of self sovereignty results in anger and a sense of loss of dignity. Usually their life is also out of control, which then is made worse when a host of outside forces and events begin to be dominate them, increasing the sense of being controlled or out of control.

I do not buy into the chemical imbalance in the brain theory. As a pastor, I see that there is a spiritual component as well as a relational one to our life issues--often beginning with childhood traumas; poor communication with a father; then school, peer and other pressures, exacerbated by a variety of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and even misdiagnoses.

Then to make matters worse, most people become resentful toward others who caused their issues or failed to help them, and this resentment destabilizes them and renders them exquisitely sensitive to those very pressures.

Resentment and the traumas to which we have over-reacted cause us to lose the center--lose touch with our center of dignity and innocence, and fall away from our Creator (to Whom we were once close when very little children). Thus I see that learning to let go of resentment is an important component in repairing one's life and restoring emotional balance and control.

A complementary mindfulness meditation has been found by some people to be helpful in facilitating the restoration of balance, control and a sense of dignity. It helps them calm down without feeling numbed, disconnected or dazed. Some also say that it seems to assist in them in re-finding their spiritual roots, and once a connection is re-established, there appears to be a power that comes into play that assists in holding back the pressures from overwhelming them.

For example, many were Christians, but just not quite Christian enough. Somehow this meditation permits them to become unblocked and to get in touch with their Christian roots in a wholesome way, so that now they can better appreciate what their good pastor or the Bible is saying.

Reason returns, calmness enters, and now reality becomes a friend. Real positive options can be explored, and now the door opens to a chain of good things happening, and the door closes to the negative thoughts, emotions and the negative behaviors they were once compelled to exhibit. Click here to read more about meditation.

If you are ready to see the role of resentment and secret hostility toward others (especially parents and partner), the meditation will very likely work for you. You will be given the power to stand back and observe what is wrong with you without being involved in it. The power of observation is sufficient to begin a change for the better.

You will discover that you have the power to observe the wrong without becoming upset by what you see. And with no more emotion added, reason and patience come to the fore. You will have the power to observe and to get better without any effort on your part. It will be a gift to you for being patient with others. And when you are patient with others, you will also be able to be patient with yourself.
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Once you reconnect to conscience and intuition, and once you are repented and experience a profound regret, you become a friend of truth, a friend of conscience, and a friend of God.

Suddenly conscience becomes intuition again--a welcome friend and presence we wish to walk with--not something to run from and avoid.

And when you are a friend of conscience and humbled, suddenly you no longer become tense in the first place or angry in the first place. Without the build up of tension, there is no need for unnatural relief. Suddenly you enjoy seeing the truth instead of wanting to run from it. And you become incompatible with the old consciousness lowering activities.

2012 Update from Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD.

Anger is very destructive, and it can ruin everything: your marriage, your life, and your health. When we express anger, we say or do the wrong thing. When we repress it, it causes harm on the inside. An angry repressed person can also become a doormat, afraid to say anything because of the suppressed anger that comes out. Repressed anger may also be a contributor to stuttering and other physical symptoms.

I know what you want. You want emotional self control without repression. You want a return to spontaneity and a care free spirit. You want restored good relations with your partner, kids and others. You want stop doing foolish things or self medicating with drugs, marijuana or alcohol. You want help. You want positive solutions.

The solution to your issues lies in proper application of the meditation exercise along with realization of a few insights. You must, for example, see the role of resentment in your anger issues, and the meditation will help you see how to give it up.

If you are really serious about letting go of anger, then I recommend you explore the various resources we have available. Go to our help center and you will find the meditation, my new meditation for PTSD, relationship resources, and much more. Listen to my radio program there. Get started today, leave behind the baggage of the past, and go forward to joy and success. Make 2012 your best year ever.

The Harder I Try, the Worse Things Get

2009-03-02T15:27:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, it is because of a spiritual principle. When we struggle with anything, we give it power. It is the struggle that gives the other the power to evolve. It is also strengthened by our grappling with it. Unless we win outright, it takes our energy and then uses it against us.

That is why germs grow stronger, as in the appearance of MRSA bacteria. That is why when we argue with someone (or when neighbors, political parties, or nations have hostilities), each side continues to evolve and the fighting escalates.

If you get mad at a chair you trip on, you might kick the chair. Notice that your angry animal nature comes to the fore. Believe it or not, you might even give some energy to the chair or to whoever or whatever is nearby to absorb it.

Does this mean that we cannot oppose things? Of course not. Evil needs to be opposed. Wrong ideas need to be opposed. Wrong behavior needs to be opposed.

But you must learn how to oppose wrong or error properly. The wrong way of opposing it is with resentment and hostility. Resentment and hostility lead to the evolution of wrong. At best, you become more animal (but less human). More likely, your angry and hostile opposition strengthens the other in its stance, makes you drained and tired, and often ultimately leads to your defeat.

Many times, for example, parents argue, becoming angry and resentful toward their rebellious kids. The parents do not realize that it is their willfulness and impatience that evolves rebellion, resentment and opposition in the child. The parent is wrong (for the impatience, hostility or resentment). The child becomes wrong for evolving its own brand of opposition, but don't forget, the child is, after all, just a child. It is the parent's job to teach, tutor, and guide the children with patience, kindness and wisdom.

Sooner or later the child senses that the parent's willfulness is somehow making him or her (the child) wrong too. And this leads to resenting the parent.

The parent must learn to be firm but fair, to set boundaries without emotion, to remind the child without impatience or hostility. The parent must be kind, reasonable, calm, and patient. The parent's authority is thus the authority of kind, firm goodness. And when the parent is kind and principled, there is really nothing to rebel against. When things are just, there is no need to rebel.

When we argue with our kids, fight with our neighbor, get irritated at our employees, resent out boss and so on--we start to become tired and drained from our resentful opposition. We also become guilty, because we are becoming more animal that human in our anger and secret hostility. Soon the tired resentful authority begins to throw in the towel, and resort to appeasing. This of course favors the other side.

If the other side is just, fair, and basically right, then I suppose the appeasement is not so bad. But often the others side does need to be opposed, and our appeasement helps the error grow stronger.

Of course, sometimes appeasement can be a strategy meant to weaken the other side. The appeased side rests on its laurels and through the service of the other side becomes weak. In this way, the tables can eventually be turned, and the underdog suddenly causes the now weak one to react to it.

But as you can see, the game of one-upsmanship, draining and being drained, fighting and appeasing is the lower animal way--definitely not the human way. It tempts everyone to be willful and angry. And it makes everyone into tyrants and wimps.

True good does not tempt. True good does not evolve opposing camps.

Right, reason, justice, freedom, and the good must prevail. But in order to represent what is right, you must learn how to oppose wrong and error in a right way. Not with hostility and resentment; not with manipulation and appeasement; but with conviction, resolve, and the power of good.

So here is the first thing you need to learn: let go of resentment. Learn not to resent your opponent, your weakness, or anything. What resentment does is cut you off from your rapport with the inner light. This inner light is form God and as such, it is the source of truth and good. learn to stand back, get your ego out of the way and see reality. Do not do battle with the opponent in the usually sense of getting angry and resentful. Don't seek to dredge up cleaver or cruel replies.

When you become resentful, you are cut off from the good. All you have left is animal emotion and your imagination, which is the no man's land with which evil confers. Any notion, reply, or vicious response that comes from your imagination is likely to be either some predigested idea that someone else gave you. It is not fresh or timely, and thus even if technically correct, it will lack the freshness of a truly enlightened response. The other person will sense that it is false and perhaps pre planned. They will sense that you do not have love or the power of good--that you are an ego trying to come up with some response that will put you down or build them up.

Worse yet, any response that comes to you from the imagination could be a notion implanted by the presence of evil. It may sound weird or far out. Laugh if you will. But there is such a thing as evil. You can't see it, taste it or touch it. But it suggests ideas to the mind when you are looking for something to save your pride.

Just notice, next time you are very resentful, how vicious and cruelly creative the ideas that come to mind are. What powers these imaginings is the animal emotions of violence or lust.

So it comes to pass that we are troubled by our rabid thoughts and animal emotions. We might come to fear any conflict, because of what it makes us think and feel. Many of us become repressed wimps, fearing another round of escalation. But this favors the unreasonable ones, who know that when they up the pressure, you will eventually capitulate.

Therefore, it is critically important that you learn how to oppose wrong without anger and upset. Your first line of defense is to stand back and observe and not become resentful.

Resentment activates the ego and leads to animal changes. it also leads us into the rabid imagination where we hide from the reality we didn't have the grace to face with poise and equanimity and courage.

But when you are not resentful, you can observe, ask questions, and perhaps come up with a solution that is not to your disadvantage. When the issue involves right and wrong, the wrong side will see your resolve, and when you get the ego out of the way, the unreasonable opponent will come face to face with the invisible power of good which is wielded into play when you do not try to deal with the enemy yourself.

And when the other side is not wrong or unreasonable, just in error or in need of a little correction (such as our kids), then your calm, kind firmness does not power their will. And your quiet rightness is a wet blanket on their error. They are thrown back on themselves, the see their own error, and become self correcting. Their error is stopped in its tracks. The one in whom the error had been growing will be better off, will have a chance to recover from their error, and will respect you.

Remember, whatever you are facing: don't resent it. And don't resent yourself, the other person, or anything else.

Recovery - Starting All Over Again Spiritually

2008-12-31T16:18:00.001-08:00

At the beginning of the New Year there is a natural tendency to look forward with hope, to let go of the past, and to start afresh. This is a very positive thing. The sense of starting anew is a wonderful one. Actually, we should have this positive feeling every morning as we rise to face the new day. “Hope springs eternal.” said the poet. Hope is a facet of faith and leads to something to look forward to.

Before addressing New Year’s resolutions, let’s first talk about what blocks or ruins a sense of starting anew.

We shouldn’t have to wait for New Year for this positive sense. It should spring forth naturally every morning. The perfect model for this is the little child who jumps out of bed every morning, full of joy and excitement, looking forward to new discoveries and new adventures. A little child (unless they are being woken up too early to be shuttled off the preschool, daycare, or a horrible public school) will be naturally happy, naturally full of zest and naturally hopeful.

Another way of saying the same thing is that the unpressured child is not burdened by the past. He or she has no worry. Nothing is preying upon his or her mind. No corrupt memory is rising to pull upon his attention and draw him into images of love or hate.

In sum: he or she is free to live the present moment fully, giving wholehearted attention to the present moment. Along with this wholehearted attention to the present is a blessed state of mind that is full of peace and quiet excitement. From this arises hope and looking forward to meeting the day.

People and Work Make Me Feel Tense and Drained

2008-12-29T10:28:00.000-08:00

If your health care provider says that you are physically okay, then it could be that you are trying too hard.

Somewhere in your past, someone tricked you into trying and exerting will. Perhaps it was to please mother or to avoid her wrath. Perhaps it was to prove something to someone or to avoid criticism.

By making it too important, you were forced to use effort. What could and should have come naturally and effortlessly became a willful struggle, leading to tension, fatigue, anger (when it didn't work out), disappointment, and even exhaustion.

But once your ego got involved, concentrating and trying became the only way you knew to do things. You forgot the graceful way. And when things make you tired and frustrated, yo might have just thrown in in the towel and quit. Many a failure in life became that way because he or she tried to hard to please others, and just could not bear another round of pain, guilt, and fatigue.

Concentrating, studying, and setting goals have to do with making something too important. Even though the thing concentrated on may seem technically proper, the motive is usually selfish or egotistical. Making anything more important than what is right in our hearts is sin.

Thus it leads to enslavement. Therefore it is not surprising that we then become fascinated and fixated—a sure sign that our attention has been captured. Through our captured attention, various suggestions are funneled, and soon we find ourselves doing the will of the motivator.

Because the motivator wills that we exert effort, and because any egoistical action required effort (whereas realizing and flowing from grace is effortless), we strain, try, and exert effort. This leads to tension, fatigue, and sooner or later frustration. We soon become drained. And when we are tense and drained, it puts a stress on our glands and organs.

Soon our adrenals or other glands become exhausted. No wonder we feel fatigued and tired all the time. And soon physical problems may result from our run down state, such as we become more susceptible to germs. Our overworked body becomes more susceptible by being overworked.

There is a direct link between being ambitious and willful and our eventual deterioration and debilitation. That is why you must learn to meditate for mental distance. Learn to stand back, realize and flow from realization. From the neutral zone, you will begin to be able to see what things capture your attention.

You will also see where you are struggling, straining, and applying effort--when graceful ease is all that is needed. You will also see activities that you will find you are no longer interested in doing. Some of them were programmed into you. Others are just no longer needed. But you became locked into them through resentment and struggle.

Some will still be necessary (such as work, for example) but you will be able to learn how to work without strain. If the work is not for you, you might change your work. Or perhaps stay where you are while saving money to make a change.

Other work or work environments are just not right for you, and you will be able to leave and find something else. If the work is okay, then all you need do is change your motivation—learn to flow gracefully instead of straining out of resentment. If you see what I am saying, you might just put the book down and go and meditate.

The proper meditation is the antidote to fixating and concentrating. When you learn to calm down, slow down, and stop straining; your body will have a chance to rest and recuperate.

Watch out for resentment. It is perhaps the worst form of willful struggle, where another person upset you into struggling resentfully. The meditation that we offer at the Center for Common Sense Counseling is very spiritual and practical. it teaches you how to de-fixate, how to stand back and see the big picture. It permits you to become re-centered and to begin living your own life, flowing from within instead of reacting to everything.

The above is an excerpt from my new book Healing From Within. Read another excerpt at our virtual homepage

Find The True Meaning of Christmas and Overcome the Holiday Blues

2008-12-19T12:56:00.000-08:00

. Thoughtful people are sometimes troubled by shallowness and consumerism during the holidays. Don't be troubled. The engineer keeps searching for a solution, the scientist for a break-through, and the researcher for a cure. They do not quit just because others do not share in their pursuit of answers.

In your quest for life's meaning and purpose, be as patiently persistent as they are. Enjoy the niceties and fellowship of the holidays, and also look for the deeper meaning of life. It is okay to have fun and be thoughtful at the same time.

Looking for real answers to life's meaning is like a treasure hunt. You have to seek for it. What is the old saying about not cursing the darkness, but lighting a candle instead? Likewise, instead of lamenting the materialism, look for real meaning (and then share it with others).

Maybe, just maybe the meaning could be right here amidst the busy-ness. So instead of being distracted by resenting the advertisers and harried shoppers, let's keep seeking. Why, we are even told to do so in the Book where the original Christmas story is told.

The wise men followed a star, seeking the Christ Child. The shepherds sought the baby Jesus after having been given a hint by the angels ("you will find Him wrapped in swaddling clothes and laying in a manger"). Even Jesus' mother had to seek for Him. We are told that Mary sought for Jesus, and found Him in the temple teaching.

Time and again, the process of seeking is said to be important. The centurion whose daughter was sick came to seek Jesus, and when he found Him, the daughter was healed. Jesus told parables involving seeking: where, for example, the master came back and sought the servant, where the prodigal son sought his father, where the bridesmaids sought the bride, or where the shepherd sought the lost sheep. When Jesus was killed, Mary and Martha came to seek Him, but He was risen. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said: "seek and ye shall find."

Today we must also seek for Jesus and what He represents. The shallowness of consumerism at Christmas time should not trouble us. It simply means that He is not to be found there. When our religious, moral or political leaders are revealed to be opportunists or frauds, it should not trouble us. It only means He is not to be found there. When their words are shallow, it means He is not to be found there. Thus it is revealed where there is no use looking for Him.

But He is here. He even gave us some hints where to look. He said wherever two or more are "gathered in my name, there am I among them." Maybe He also wants us to figure out what "in my name" really means. He also hinted that the Kingdom of Heaven is all around us. He also said the Kingdom of Heaven is within. He said words to the effect that "if you love me and obey my commandments, then the Father and I will come and make our abode in you." Was that a clue about how to find?

But don't forget that He said: "Seek first the Kingdom of God." Was this another hint: this time about seeking to do what is right first, instead of self-seeking and expediency first?

He said that in the last days people would say, "He is here or He is there," but He would not be found there. He is not where most people expect Him to be.

Little children love Santa Claus or love their dolly. This love is beautiful and sweet, but it is an emotional thing. Alas, many of us have had feelings for Jesus in the same way. We adults must seek for something deeper.

In human terms, the meaning of Christmas may be about giving, about sharing or about family. This is fine as far as it goes. The presents, the friendship, the Christmas stockings, the Christmas story, the music and the candles are nice and they have their place. But the true seeker keeps seeking. Without rejecting the niceties of Christmas, the seeker keeps searching for the real Jesus, that's all.

Therefore, if you have a sense that the true meaning of Christmas is lacking, you are probably right. If you feel like something is still missing and you haven't really found Him--even though you may have said you have and want to have--then keep searching. That is what He told us to do.

Read about our recovery and stress reducing spiritual meditation.

Holiday Stress and Depression, Money Worries - Maybe a Spiritual Recovery Meditation Might Restore Peace of Mind

2008-12-11T16:26:00.000-08:00

Most of us would like to deal with life's problems with calmness and understanding. Instead we find ourselves reacting and becoming upset. The more upset we become the more resentful we become toward others. We become impatient with them and then we become impatient with ourselves. Soon we start to blame others for our lack of control.

Of course, this is unfair to others. So they react to us. Soon family and relationship problems escalate. Once the process begins, we don't know how to stop it. Either we explode at one another or we repress our hostilities until we are seething volcanoes. All this repressed material soon erupts in other symptoms.

When we can't control ourselves, then we look to experts to control us. Soon we are their subjects, paying dearly for their treatments which never really seem to make us better. Individuals, families, and the whole world is brimming over in anger and upset.

Fortunately there is a real answer to your problem. It focuses on the moment of reaction, when you succumb to some stress.

Would you like to learn how to remain calm in the face of stress? Roland's programs are about dealing with stress without giving in or becoming upset. The Roland Trujillo Show has aired for almost 19 years around the U.S. If you can't tune in, listen to free highlights from KCAA Radio, a popular Southern California radio station.

While you are listening, check out our Spiritual Recovery and Stress Management Meditation

Can Chicken Soup For Your Soul Save You?

2008-11-29T08:54:00.000-08:00

Can Barrack Obama save you? Can study save you? Can you put a band aid on a cloud?

About all that Barrack Obama, Joel Osteen, Paris Hilton, or the latest American Idol or sports star can do is save you from the truth.

Years ago, I read in the newspaper about a young person that was dying. Some make-a-wish group came to grant her final request. Do you know what she requested? She wanted Pee Wee Herman to come and visit her.

Do you remember Pee Wee Herman. He made some funny kids movies a few years ago. I will never forget this newspaper story, because it shows that any human, no matter how nice or funny, cannot save us.

The best thing that another person can do is tell you the truth, perhaps pointing you in the right direction. Or perhaps giving you some timely advice. Otherwise about all another can do is set a good example, and frankly, not try to play God and meddle.

The Dali Llama once said : "Please help the people. And if you can't help them--please don't hurt them."

Trouble is, much of our so-called help does not really help. Much of our help is comfort. It is the kind of comfort that encourages us, but the encouragement only tempts us to begin to rely on outside encouragement. Soon we become dependent on the encouragement, and this dependence prevents us from reaching within to find wordless inner help from God.

That is why our phony encouragement often makes people worse.

Just look at the vast wastelands of our inner cities. The government came to save them, and look at the result. It bears witness to the old adage which says: it is better to teach a person to fish than to give them a fish. It rings true because it is true.

If a person is ill with a cold, maybe a little chicken soup (if not the canned variety with monosodium glutamate and GMO in it) couldn't hurt. But does it make the person well? No. The person becomes well when their body throws off the illness. It is the body that rallies and recuperates. The body might use a nutrient in the soup. But the body does the work, not the soup.

When we are ill with a cold, our natural inclination is to be left alone. Of course we need fluids and someone to check on us, but we want to rest and sleep. We don't want a 24/7 parade of visitors.

So the question is, who do you want: God or Pee Wee Herman? Common sense or Lyndon Johnson and his great society? What you know in your heart is right or someone's reassuring distracting patter?

And while you are at it, don't expect Eckhart Tolle, the Pope, Doprek Chopra, Sean Hannity or anyone else to save you. Maybe some of their advice is good and maybe it isn't. Don't form a judgment. Wait.

Listen to what they have to say, but check with your intuition. Does it sit well? What does your intuition wordlessly say about it? In time, you will wordlessly know if something makes sense or not.

Do you want the truth in the form of our God-given intuition, or do you want the pompous opinion of some writer or speaker?

If someone else's words awaken you to realize the truth, that is good. If another's timely warning awakens you to back off from potentially bad relationship, then their warning is good. If an aunt or uncle gives you a little wisdom, and their words once day come back to bear witness to what you now see for yourself, that is good.

But don't confuse the message with the messenger. It's the message that is important, and only because it awakens you or reminds you to see for yourself. The internal testimony is the thing. Any external words only bear witness to the wordless Truth. The Truth is the truth. Does it really matter whether the truth is spoken by a supposedly nice person, a failure, or a little child? The truth is the main thing. Always be ready to acknowledge the truth, no matter who said it.

Perhaps you can see that it is hard to really help people. When people are guilty and wrong, when they are needy and want reassurance for their wrong way of living, they are demanding for ego support. It is hard to be honest with them, because it is hard for them to receive. Even if you are honest--if they are not truly receptive--they will accuse you of being mean and cold.

There is much I could say on the topic, but for the time being, let me just say that it is better to give people the cutting edge of the truth (the truth is like a sharp edged sword, Jesus said).

That way, the few who will benefit from your awakening words will be grateful. Those who hate the truth will go off and cling to someone else. If you permit them to cling to you and draw false reassurance from you, then you, too, will become guilty.

Don't misunderstand me. If you can do a kindness, do so. But keep it simple and don't add extra ego supportiveness to it. And don't expect anything in return.

A final word. If someone says something mean, don't resent them. If someone says something nice, don't like them unduly. Careful not to reject the truth, just because the person said it with meanness.

The cruelty is calculated to hurt you, in that they know that you will become resentful, and therefore guilty and controllable. They might secretly want you to reject the truth. Instead hear the message, but don't judge the messenger. Check with your intuition. If there is some merit in what they said, then acknowledge the truth within. Never mind the other person.

Likewise if someone praises you and says nice things about you, their secret intent may be to weaken you. Don't resent them. Let the words go in one ear and out the other. It is okay to acknowledge good performance; just don't let it puff up your ego.

Keep It Simple - Coping Skills for a Time of Crisis and Confusion

2008-11-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

Who was it who said: "Simplify, simplify, simplify?" And who was it who said: "Keep it simple, stupid?" Obviously, a wise person.

But it is not as easy as it sounds. We all know that we feel better about ourselves when we tidy our room or home. Everything is in order. We pay our bills. We return phone calls. Everything is done, and now we can relax.

But soon this issue arises and that problem occurs, and this unexpected visitor arrives. And so on.

Most of us would not be happy living as a hermit on the side of a mountain, eating brown rice and tilling the soil all day. Most of us are busy. We have lots to do. Even students, who you would think should have carefree lives, are bogged down with tests, term papers, and after school activities.

We are okay with our busyness, and we even use it as an excuse for forgetting something, for being on edge, or for not having time.

But all of a sudden, the day arrives when you can't cope. In this blog, I will address the issue of coping and give you some solutions and tools that work.

But don't expect glib answers, quick fixes, and clever dodges. Humans are more than animals. There is a spiritual side to life. The answer to the riddle of life and the secret to contentment are found in seeking and finding one's purpose for existence.

And I have to say--people have a beyond. And like the old Daffy Duck cartoon, where he had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other--each whispering opposite advice about what he should do--so it is in life. And which "beyond" we are coming from will ultimately impart trouble and chaos to one's life and mind; or order and peace of mind.

This is to introduce my blog, but I will give you a place to start. Take time (find time) to get a DVD of the movie and the first season of the television series Kung Fu starring David Carradine.

It's about a Shaolin monk who travelled around the Old West, having many exciting adventures. it is great fun, good viewing (and fine for kids to watch too).

See if you can figure out how he could have many dangerous and challenging situations, and yet cope with each with courage and grace, and still have a peaceful spirit.

In future blogs I will discuss the Desiderata and the poem If by Rudyard Kipling. We might also talk about Spock in Star Trek.